WIBTA if I started making my roommate pay half the bills even though it wasn’t what we initially agreed upon?

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Roommate Betrayal: A Story of Boundaries and Respect

When a kind-hearted roommate discovers that their belongings—over 500 cherished books—have been unceremoniously tossed out by their housemate, it sparks a deep conflict about respect and boundaries. Initially motivated by compassion for their roommate’s difficult past, the narrator now grapples with feelings of betrayal and frustration. As they contemplate changing their financial arrangement, the story raises thought-provoking questions about the balance of generosity and self-respect in shared living situations. This relatable dilemma resonates with many who have navigated the complexities of roommate dynamics and personal boundaries.

Roommate Conflict Over Discarded Belongings

In a situation marked by family drama and conflict resolution, a roommate relationship has taken a turn for the worse due to a significant breach of trust. Here’s a breakdown of the events that led to the current tension:

Living Arrangement: The narrator has a roommate who pays approximately $700 of the $1,600 rent, while the narrator covers the remaining expenses, including utilities and internet. This arrangement was made out of compassion, as the roommate was escaping an abusive situation.
Personal Belongings: The narrator has a collection of over 500 books stored in the guest room, which is furnished with their own furniture. They intended to sort through these books but struggled with the task due to ADHD.
Initial Conflict: Last year, the roommate discarded the narrator’s bookshelf without permission, leading to a heated argument. The narrator insisted that the bookshelf be returned, feeling frustrated but not offering a solution.
Recent Discovery: After hiring a cleaning service, the narrator learned that the roommate had thrown away all of their books months prior. This act was done without any discussion or consent, which deeply upset the narrator.
Emotional Impact: The loss of the books, which represented decades of personal history, has caused the narrator to stop communicating with the roommate for over a week. The situation has escalated beyond just the books; it reflects a lack of respect for the narrator’s belongings.
Future Actions: The narrator is contemplating changing the financial arrangement by drafting a document that would split household expenses evenly, increasing the roommate’s contribution by at least $500. They are considering whether it would be appropriate to leave this document taped to the roommate’s door.
Reflection: The narrator acknowledges that this new arrangement deviates from their original agreement but feels justified in their decision due to the roommate’s actions. They are also working on personal growth, recognizing their tendency to over-explain and please others, which has been a challenge in their relationships.

As the narrator prepares to confront the roommate upon returning home, they aim to address the underlying issues of respect and communication that have led to this conflict. The situation highlights the complexities of living with others and the importance of clear boundaries in shared spaces.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

I have a roommate who pays me about 90% of half the rent, so if the total rent is 1,600, they contribute around 700. I cover the rest, along with water, gas, internet, and electricity, because I earn more than they do. When they first moved in, I felt sorry for them because they were leaving an abusive situation.

It’s been a little over a year since they moved into my guest room, and overall, it hasn’t been too bad. However, when they moved in, I had some of my belongings in the closet, primarily books. The room is fully furnished with my furniture, including a large bed that takes up a lot of space, a heavy bookshelf, and around 500 books stored in 56 boxes and two large bags.

I always intended to go through them, pick out my favorites, and donate or sell the rest, but due to my ADHD and object impermanence, I kept pushing it off. In the long run, I envisioned turning the room into a closet-library after they moved out since I prefer having my clothes visible rather than stored away. Last year, I came home to find my bookshelf outside by the dumpsters.

I immediately told my roommate to put it back in the room because they had no right to throw away my belongings. If they had asked, I would have found another place for it, but I was so frustrated that I insisted they return it to the room without offering an alternative solution. Fast forward to now, I recently hired someone to help clean my apartment when work gets too busy.

They offered to organize my cabinets, which reminded me to finally sort through my books—only to be told that my roommate had thrown them all away months ago. Over 500 books—hardcover, paperback, large, small, books I had kept since middle school—just gone. They never asked, never mentioned feeling uncomfortable with them in the closet, never gave me a chance to move them.

They simply decided to discard decades of my history without my permission. I was so upset that I haven’t spoken to them in over a week. It’s not just about the books; it’s about the complete lack of respect for my things.

My first instinct is to kick them out. Yes, I understand the legal complexities of tenancy and eviction, but instead, I’ve decided that I no longer want to cover the bulk of the bills. I’ve drafted a document that evenly splits all household expenses, which will increase their contribution by at least 500.

WIBTA if I taped it to their door? This isn’t the arrangement we originally agreed upon when they moved in, but at this point, I feel that if they can blatantly disrespect my belongings, they no longer deserve my generosity.

ETA: I started responding to comments, but as a recovering people-pleaser with a tendency to over-explain, I realized it was triggering what my therapist calls rejection sensitivity. I wasn’t using my ADHD as an excuse—just explaining how a specific neurodivergent term relates to the discussion. Since I was diagnosed later in life, I’ve had to constantly explain my behavior and thought processes to those around me.

I struggle when I feel like people are upset with me and often overcompensate when I sense someone doesn’t like me. Believe it or not, I genuinely am a kind person. Helping others is not only my passion but also my profession, and I come from a background of religious public service.

It has taken years of therapy to stop allowing myself to be taken advantage of due to the fact that I want to feed everyone, save everyone, and help everyone. That being said, I did not leave a note. I left out of town for the weekend to clear my head, and I will have a discussion with them when I get back.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for their roommate’s actions, as the roommate had no right to dispose of OP’s belongings. Many users emphasize the importance of trust in a roommate relationship and suggest that OP should take steps to evict the roommate due to their disrespectful behavior, which included throwing away over 500 books without consent. Overall, the comments highlight the need for clear communication and respect for personal property in shared living situations.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Roommate Conflict

Conflict in shared living situations can be challenging, especially when personal belongings are involved. Here are some practical steps for both the narrator (OP) and the roommate to consider in order to resolve the situation and rebuild trust.

For the Narrator (OP)

Take Time to Reflect: Before confronting your roommate, take some time to process your feelings. Acknowledge your anger and sadness over the loss of your books, but also consider what you want to achieve from the conversation.
Prepare for the Conversation: Outline the key points you want to discuss. Focus on how the actions affected you emotionally and the breach of trust that occurred. Avoid personal attacks; instead, express how the situation made you feel.
Set a Meeting: Request a calm and private meeting with your roommate. Choose a time when both of you can talk without distractions. This shows that you are serious about resolving the issue.
Communicate Clearly: During the conversation, explain the significance of your books and why their disposal was hurtful. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, such as “I felt disrespected when my belongings were thrown away without my consent.”
Discuss Future Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding personal belongings. Consider drafting a roommate agreement that outlines what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to each other’s property.
Consider Financial Changes: If you feel that the financial arrangement needs to change due to the breach of trust, discuss this openly. Explain your reasoning and be willing to negotiate a fair solution that works for both parties.
Seek Support: If the conversation does not go well or if you feel unsafe, consider seeking support from friends or a mediator who can help facilitate the discussion.

For the Roommate

Reflect on Your Actions: Take time to understand the impact of your decision to discard the books. Acknowledge that this action was a significant breach of trust and respect for your roommate’s belongings.
Apologize Sincerely: When you meet with your roommate, offer a genuine apology. Acknowledge the hurt caused by your actions and express your understanding of why it was wrong.
Listen Actively: During the conversation, listen to your roommate’s feelings without becoming defensive. Validate their emotions and show that you understand the gravity of the situation.
Discuss Future Communication: Commit to improving communication moving forward. Discuss how you can both express concerns or frustrations in a constructive manner to avoid similar conflicts in the future.
Be Open to Changes: If your roommate proposes changes to the financial arrangement, be open to discussing it. Understand that trust needs to be rebuilt, and this may involve compromise on both sides.
Consider Professional Help: If the relationship feels irreparable, consider seeking help from a counselor or mediator to navigate the conflict and explore options for moving forward.

Ultimately, resolving this conflict will require open communication, empathy, and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives. By addressing the underlying issues and setting clear boundaries, both parties can work towards a healthier living arrangement.

Join the Discussion

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