AITA for telling my boyfriend my dad was dead

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When Family Secrets Resurface

After losing her mother to cancer at a young age and growing up with an absent father, a 26-year-old woman has learned to navigate life by claiming both her parents are deceased. However, when her estranged father unexpectedly shows up asking for money while her boyfriend is present, it forces her to confront the truth about her family history. This revelation leads to a tense conversation with her boyfriend, who feels betrayed by her omission, prompting her to question her choices and the impact of her past on their relationship. As she grapples with feelings of shame and vulnerability, the story explores themes of trust, trauma, and the complexities of familial bonds, making it a relatable and thought-provoking read for many.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Personal Journey

A 26-year-old woman reflects on her complicated relationship with her father and the impact it has had on her romantic life. Here’s a summary of her story:

Background: The woman lost her mother to cancer at the age of 8 and has had an absent father throughout her life. She only discovered his identity at 13, but he showed little interest in being a part of her life, leaving her in the foster system until she turned 18.
Limited Contact: Over the years, she has had minimal interactions with her father, totaling around five conversations. He occasionally appears to ask for money, but she has learned to accept his absence and often tells people both her parents are deceased to avoid uncomfortable discussions.
Relationship Development: A year and a half ago, she began dating a 25-year-old man. To maintain her narrative, she told him her parents were dead, which was a coping mechanism for her past trauma.
Unexpected Encounter: Recently, her father unexpectedly showed up at her home asking for $100 while her boyfriend was present. This revelation forced her to confront her past and explain her family situation to her boyfriend.
Boyfriend’s Reaction: The boyfriend expressed feeling betrayed by her omission and requested some space to process the information. He indicated that while he was not planning to end the relationship, he needed time to think.
Feelings of Guilt: The woman felt guilty for not being honest sooner, acknowledging that she had not fully considered the implications of her lie.

Updates on the Situation

Initial Clarifications: In her updates, she clarified that she had only given money to her father once in the past and that her boyfriend had defended her during the encounter, asking her father to leave.
Understanding and Vulnerability: After some time apart, her boyfriend reached out to discuss the situation. He expressed that the sudden influx of information was overwhelming but acknowledged her reasons for not disclosing the truth earlier.
Moving Forward: They ended the conversation in tears, with both feeling vulnerable. They decided to “start again,” indicating a willingness to rebuild trust and understanding in their relationship.
Personal Growth: The woman has also taken steps to address her childhood trauma by looking into therapy, viewing this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and healing.

This story highlights the complexities of family drama and the challenges of conflict resolution in relationships. It serves as a reminder of the importance of honesty and communication in building trust with loved ones.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I 26F lost my mother to cancer when I was 8 and have always had an absent father. I only found out who he was when I was 13, and even then he did not want custody of me, forcing me to stay in the foster system until I was 18. Over my whole life, I have had about 5 conversations with him, give or take—he is like a stranger to me.

He appears once in a blue moon to ask for money or something along those lines. It doesn’t really bother me anymore; I’ve just learned to accept it now, but I don’t like talking about it. To avoid that conversation with people, I usually just say both my parents are dead.

This leads me to a year and a half ago when I had just started dating my boyfriend 25M. Like usual, I had just told him my parents were dead, but the other day my dad showed up at my door. I still don’t know how he knows where I live and asked for 100 dollars, except my boyfriend was there, and he obviously found out my dad was not dead.

This led to a long conversation with him that night where I explained the whole situation. He said this was a breach of trust between us since I lied about my dad and that he needed some space to rethink our relationship. However, he doesn’t think he will leave me.

I feel so shitty and that I should have told him earlier, but I am going to be honest; I just didn’t think. So, AITA?

UPDATE: My boyfriend texted me 5 mins ago asking to talk, so we are going to have a full in-depth conversation tomorrow after work, and I’ll update again then.

UPDATE 2: Last update. Before I get to the update, I would like to clear things up.

I have only given money to my dad once when I was still desperate for his love and acceptance, but he did not get any money this time.
Despite his confusion, my bf stepped in to defend me and get my dad to leave, and it was only after my dad left that he asked me about it.

Now onto the update. My boyfriend told me that all the sudden information, along with the knowledge I hadn’t told him the truth, was very overwhelming, and he just needed some space to not say the wrong thing. He also said that he got why I lied initially and he wasn’t mad that I lied, more hurt that I felt like I couldn’t tell him about it.

He also mentioned that he couldn’t be there for me if he didn’t know what was going on. The conversation ended in tears, and it is the most vulnerable I have been in front of someone. He was very understanding, and we have decided to draw a line in the sand and ‘start again,’ if that makes sense.

I have also looked into therapy for my childhood trauma, and all in all, I am using this as an opportunity to better myself and heal fully.

Thank you for all your kind comments.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a divided opinion on the situation, with many users expressing sympathy for the original poster while also highlighting the importance of honesty in relationships. Some commenters suggest that while the lie about the father being dead was understandable given the circumstances, it ultimately undermines trust, especially after a year and a half of dating. Overall, there is a consensus that the poster should seek therapy to address their feelings and learn to communicate more openly with their boyfriend.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Conflict in relationships, especially when rooted in personal trauma, can be challenging to navigate. Here are some practical steps for both the woman and her boyfriend to consider as they work through this situation together:

For the Woman

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions regarding your father and the impact of your past on your current relationship. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this.
Seek Therapy: Engaging with a therapist can provide a safe space to explore your childhood trauma and develop healthier coping mechanisms. This can also help you communicate more effectively with your boyfriend.
Be Honest About Your Journey: When discussing your past with your boyfriend, share not only the facts but also your feelings and the reasons behind your decisions. This vulnerability can foster deeper understanding.
Apologize Sincerely: Acknowledge the hurt your omission may have caused. A heartfelt apology can go a long way in rebuilding trust.
Establish Boundaries with Your Father: Consider what kind of relationship, if any, you want with your father moving forward. Setting clear boundaries can help you feel more in control of your situation.

For the Boyfriend

Process Your Emotions: Allow yourself the time and space to process your feelings about the revelation. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help clarify your thoughts.
Communicate Openly: When you feel ready, share your feelings with your girlfriend. Let her know what aspects of her omission hurt you and why trust is important in your relationship.
Be Patient: Understand that healing and rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with both yourself and your girlfriend as you navigate this process together.
Consider Couples Therapy: If both of you are open to it, couples therapy can provide a structured environment to discuss your feelings and work on communication skills together.
Focus on the Positive: Acknowledge the steps your girlfriend is taking towards personal growth and healing. Celebrate the willingness to start anew as a positive sign for your relationship.

Moving Forward Together

Both partners should prioritize open communication and empathy as they navigate this complex situation. By addressing their individual feelings and working together, they can strengthen their relationship and build a foundation of trust and understanding.