AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?

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When Dating Standards Clash with Friendship

In a heartfelt exploration of friendship and dating expectations, a woman grapples with her best friend’s rigid criteria for potential partners. After introducing her to a promising match, she discovers that her friend’s demands—ranging from physical appearance to religious commitments—might be setting her up for disappointment. This relatable dilemma highlights the tension between personal values and the realities of modern dating, prompting readers to reflect on their own relationship standards. Can friendship survive when one person’s ideals seem unattainable to another?

Family Drama and Wedding Tension: A Friend’s Dilemma

In a recent situation involving a close friendship, a conflict arose regarding dating standards and expectations. Here’s a breakdown of the events:

Background: The narrator and their best friend, referred to as “Elle,” have been friends for approximately ten years. Elle has been single for a few years and has expressed her dissatisfaction with her relationship status.
Elle’s Aspirations: Elle desires to find a serious partner and eventually get married. She is the only single friend in their social circle, which adds to her feelings of isolation.
Proactive Approach: About a month ago, Elle decided to take a more active approach to dating and asked the narrator for introductions to potential partners.
Introduction to a Potential Match: The narrator connected Elle with a single man known to another friend. He was described as educated and financially stable, which aligned with Elle’s criteria.
Physical Attraction Issues: Despite the man’s positive attributes, Elle found him unattractive due to his height and skin tone, both of which matched her own.
Elle’s Dating Criteria: Elle revealed her strict standards for potential partners, including:

Must be an “8 or better” in looks.
Taller than her when she wears heels.
Specific complexion preferences.
No facial hair.
Advanced degrees and a salary over $100,000.
No children.
Regular church attendance.
Must agree to abstain from sex until marriage.

Discussion and Conflict: When the narrator challenged Elle’s stringent criteria, suggesting that she might be limiting her options, Elle became upset. She felt that the narrator was not supportive of her values and was dismissing her faith.

Aftermath: Elle accused the narrator of being a “Debbie Downer” and not understanding her perspective, leading to tension in their friendship.

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and wedding tension that can arise in friendships, especially when it comes to differing views on relationships and dating standards. The narrator is left questioning whether they are in the wrong for encouraging a more open-minded approach to dating.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

My best friend, let’s call her “Elle,” and I have been close for about 10 years. During that time, she’s been in a couple of relationships but has been single for a few years now. Amongst our friends, Elle is the only unmarried one.

She’s made it clear that she’s unhappy with being single, sincerely hopes to get into a serious relationship, and get married sooner rather than later. I can understand her frustrations, especially since she’s the only single friend who wants kids someday, and so on.

About a month ago, Elle told me that she intends to be more proactive with dating this year and asked if I had anyone to introduce her to. Unfortunately, I don’t, but another friend mentioned knowing a great guy who I happen to have met before who’s single and looking for something serious.

Elle was introduced via text to the guy, and they soon started talking on the phone. Elle says he has a lot of “good attributes,” e.g., very educated, high salary, but she finds him completely unattractive because they’re the same height—he’s 5’7″ and she’s 5’7″—and because of his darker skin tone.

I tried to convince her that his height and looks shouldn’t take precedence over his personality, but this soon led to a major revelation on her dating standards that left me completely dumbfounded.

Elle told me that she’s only interested in men who, in her words, are an “8 or better” looks-wise, taller than her when she’s wearing heels, of a certain complexion, ideally no beard, has advanced degrees, makes over 100k a year, doesn’t have kids, and is currently attending church every week or every other week.

But the big kicker that got me was that she insists that she’s unwilling to date a man who won’t commit to waiting until marriage for sex. Yes, she’s religious, but she’s not a virgin and has had sex in all past relationships.

According to Elle, this is a conversation that should be had before even the first date, and if the guy isn’t firmly agreeing, it’s a no-go. When I challenged her thoughts and logic on this, she got increasingly upset.

I told her that I think she’s asking for a very tall order, making “dating” harder than it should be. I’m not saying she should compromise on her religious values, but I am trying to tell her that she should be more open-minded about her criteria because she’s looking for a one-in-a-million guy while also prematurely shutting down and shutting out some potentially great guys because of their income and/or height.

Elle is now furious at me and says I’m not being a supportive friend. She says that I don’t understand her faith and am being something of a Debbie Downer. AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the woman in question has set unrealistic and shallow standards for her potential partners, which is likely contributing to her single status. Many users emphasize that her criteria, including racial preferences and height requirements, are excessively high and could lead to a lifetime of loneliness if not adjusted. Overall, commenters suggest that she should reconsider her approach to dating and focus on more meaningful qualities rather than superficial traits.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of friendship and differing perspectives on dating, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Here are practical steps for both the narrator and Elle to consider in resolving their conflict:

For the Narrator:
1. Initiate a Calm Conversation: Reach out to Elle and express a desire to discuss the situation openly. Choose a neutral setting where both can feel comfortable sharing their thoughts.
2. Listen Actively: Allow Elle to express her feelings and concerns without interruption. Validate her emotions, even if you disagree with her standards. This will help her feel heard and respected.
3. Share Your Perspective Gently: When it’s your turn to speak, frame your thoughts in a way that emphasizes care for her well-being. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel concerned that your criteria might limit your opportunities for meaningful connections.”
4. Encourage Self-Reflection: Suggest that Elle take some time to reflect on her dating criteria. Encourage her to consider what qualities truly matter in a partner beyond physical attributes.
5. Offer Support: Reiterate your commitment to supporting her in her dating journey, regardless of her choices. Let her know you are there to help her navigate the dating world.
For Elle:
1. Reflect on Feedback: Take a moment to consider the narrator’s perspective. Are there elements of truth in their concerns? Reflecting on this can help you gain clarity on your dating approach.
2. Assess Your Standards: Evaluate your dating criteria critically. Are they realistic and aligned with your ultimate goal of finding a meaningful relationship? Consider adjusting them to be more inclusive.
3. Communicate Openly: If you feel hurt by the narrator’s comments, express this calmly. Share how their words made you feel, and clarify that your standards are important to you, but you are open to discussion.
4. Seek Balance: While it’s essential to have standards, consider the importance of emotional connection and compatibility. Sometimes, the best relationships come from unexpected matches.
5. Be Open to New Experiences: Challenge yourself to go on dates with individuals who may not meet all your criteria. This can broaden your perspective and potentially lead to fulfilling connections.

Ultimately, both parties should aim for a resolution that strengthens their friendship while allowing for personal growth. Open communication, empathy, and a willingness to understand each other’s viewpoints will be key in moving forward positively.

Join the Discussion

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