WIBTA if I told my MIL she could no longer visit my child at daycare?

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Motherhood, Boundaries, and Jealousy: A New Mom’s Dilemma

When a new mother discovers her mother-in-law frequently visiting her daughter at daycare without prior notice, it sparks a whirlwind of emotions and questions about boundaries. As she grapples with feelings of jealousy and frustration, she reflects on the challenges of motherhood, especially in the context of postpartum depression. This relatable story highlights the complexities of family dynamics and the struggle for new parents to carve out their own space while navigating the well-meaning intentions of relatives.

Emotional Turmoil: The protagonist’s feelings of jealousy and protectiveness resonate with many new parents.
Family Dynamics: The story raises questions about boundaries and communication within families.
Postpartum Struggles: It sheds light on the often-overlooked challenges of postpartum depression and its impact on relationships.

Family Drama Over Daycare Visits

A 29-year-old mother is experiencing tension regarding her mother-in-law’s frequent visits to her daughter at daycare. The situation has led to feelings of jealousy and frustration, prompting her to seek advice on whether she would be in the wrong for addressing the issue.

Background:
- The mother has a five-month-old daughter who attends a daycare at her husband’s workplace.
- The mother-in-law also works at the same location, allowing her easy access to the daycare.
Frequency of Visits:
- The mother-in-law visits the daycare at least once a week, spending 30 minutes to an hour playing with her granddaughter.
- The mother feels frustrated that her mother-in-law does not communicate these visits with her, only informing her husband.
Concerns:
- The mother, a former daycare worker, is concerned about the implications of having an adult visitor in a daycare setting.
- She worries about the potential disruption to the caregivers and the safety of other children.
- Her biggest concern is that her mother-in-law may be spending more quality time with her daughter than she does, which adds to her feelings of jealousy.
Conflict Resolution:
- The mother is contemplating whether she should ask her mother-in-law to reduce her visits to the daycare.
- She acknowledges that her mother-in-law visits their home and spends several hours with the baby each week, indicating that daycare is not the only time for bonding.
Self-Reflection:
- In an update, the mother admits to feeling jealous and recognizes that her emotions may stem from exhaustion and postpartum depression (PPD).
- She clarifies that she does not harbor negative feelings toward her mother-in-law but is protective of her first child, whom she refers to as her “rainbow baby.”
- She is already seeking therapy for her chronic depression and PPD, indicating a desire for personal growth and conflict resolution.

The situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics and the challenges new parents face, particularly in balancing relationships with extended family while navigating their own emotional well-being.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My 29F daughter is five months old and goes to a daycare at my husband’s 32M workplace. My mother-in-law also works at the same place, so she has easy access to the daycare. At least once a week, she goes and spends 30 minutes to an hour just playing with my daughter.

This rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons. As a mom, it frustrates me that she thinks it’s okay to just drop by whenever without at least saying something or asking. I actually just found out while writing this that she tells my husband, but nobody communicates it with me.

As a former daycare worker, I would have hated having someone just come in and spend time with a child. Now, not only do they have infants to watch, but they also have to work around a fully grown woman and make sure that she isn’t taking pictures or videos of other babies as well. I think my biggest issue is honestly that some days she gets to spend more awake time with my daughter than I do.

I know that’s a horrible reason to be frustrated with someone, but it is what it is. Would I be the asshole if I asked her to stop visiting daycare so frequently? She comes to our house and gets to spend several hours with my daughter at least once a week, so it’s not like daycare is the only time she gets to see her.

ETA

Yes, I know I’m the asshole for being jealous. After talking with my husband, I’m realizing a lot of these feelings are based on big emotions from being exhausted and dealing with postpartum depression. I don’t hate my mother-in-law; this is my first and probably only child, and she’s my rainbow baby, so I’m very protective.

For those of you that politely told me I’m the asshole, thank you. For those of you that told me I need to see a therapist, I’m already seeing one for my chronic depression and added postpartum depression, so I’m good. I’m going to stop reading comments now and go snuggle with my baby that just got home.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) would be the asshole (YWBTA) for attempting to restrict her mother-in-law’s visits to her daughter due to feelings of jealousy. Users emphasize that the grandmother’s visits are beneficial for the child and that OP’s feelings, while understandable, should not dictate the relationship between her daughter and her grandmother. Most commenters encourage OP to work through her emotions rather than impose limitations on family interactions, highlighting the importance of familial love and support.

Overall Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially as a new parent, can be challenging. It’s important to address feelings of jealousy and frustration while also considering the well-being of your child and the relationships involved. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict between you and your mother-in-law:

Steps for the Mother

Reflect on Your Feelings:
- Take time to understand the root of your emotions. Acknowledge that feelings of jealousy may stem from exhaustion and the challenges of postpartum depression.
- Consider journaling your thoughts to gain clarity on what specifically bothers you about the visits.
Communicate Openly:
- Have a calm and honest conversation with your mother-in-law. Express your feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I think about visits at daycare.”
- Discuss your concerns about the daycare environment and the importance of maintaining a structured routine for your daughter.
Set Boundaries Together:
- Work collaboratively with your mother-in-law to establish boundaries that respect your feelings while allowing her to maintain a relationship with her granddaughter.
- Consider suggesting specific times for visits that work for both of you, ensuring that you still have quality time with your daughter.
Seek Support:
- Continue your therapy sessions to address postpartum depression and any underlying issues. This can help you process your emotions more effectively.
- Consider joining a support group for new parents where you can share experiences and gain insights from others facing similar challenges.

Steps for the Mother-in-Law

Listen and Understand:
- Be open to hearing your daughter-in-law’s feelings without becoming defensive. Acknowledge her concerns and validate her emotions.
- Understand that her feelings of jealousy may not be directed at you personally but are part of her adjustment to motherhood.
Communicate Your Intentions:
- Share your motivations for visiting the daycare. Emphasize that your intention is to bond with your granddaughter and support your family.
- Reassure her that you respect her role as a mother and want to work together for the best interest of the child.
Be Flexible:
- Be willing to adjust the frequency and timing of your visits based on the comfort level of your daughter-in-law.
- Consider alternative ways to bond with your granddaughter outside of daycare, such as playdates at home or outings.

Conclusion

Family relationships can be complex, especially during the transition to parenthood. By fostering open communication, setting mutual boundaries, and seeking support, both you and your mother-in-law can navigate this situation with empathy and understanding. Remember, the goal is to create a loving environment for your daughter while also nurturing your own emotional well-being.