AITA for saying I don’t think my parents should’ve had kids and I don’t think they could ever be good parents in a family therapy session?

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Teen’s Struggle with Family Dynamics Sparks Controversy in Therapy

A 17-year-old grapples with the fallout of a tumultuous family therapy session where he voiced his deep-seated feelings about his parents’ parenting abilities. Despite his parents’ insistence that family therapy is the solution to their issues, he believes their individual struggles—particularly his mother’s controlling behavior and his father’s emotional neglect—are the real culprits behind their fractured relationship. This story resonates with many who have experienced the complexities of family dynamics and the challenge of addressing mental health within a familial context. Can honesty in therapy lead to healing, or does it risk further alienation?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Teen’s Perspective

A 17-year-old male (referred to as OP) has been attending family therapy with his parents for six months. The family dynamics have been strained, leading to significant tension and conflict. Here’s a summary of the situation:

Background: OP believes that family therapy is insufficient to address deeper issues within the family. He feels that personal problems, particularly concerning his mother, are being overlooked.
Mother’s Behavior:
- OP suspects his mother may have an undiagnosed mental illness, citing her controlling and erratic behavior.
- She imposes strict rules on OP regarding homework and chores, often leading to distress.
- Her paranoia manifests in distrust towards others, including OP’s friends and teachers.
- She has reacted aggressively to perceived criticisms, such as filing a complaint against a teacher who suggested OP needed extra help.
Father’s Role:
- OP’s father has a troubled relationship with his own father, which seems to influence his parenting style.
- He exhibits aggressive behavior when trying to bond with OP, yet often dismisses OP’s attempts to connect.
- Financial complaints from the father contribute to OP’s feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.
Impact on OP:
- OP struggles with anxiety and depression, feeling increasingly isolated from his parents.
- He has lost trust in them, leading to a breakdown in communication and emotional connection.
- Despite their attempts to prioritize family time, OP resists, feeling that therapy is not addressing his needs.
Therapy Sessions:
- During a recent session, OP expressed that he did not believe his parents should have had children, stating they were incapable of being good parents.
- This comment led to conflict, with his parents feeling it was too harsh and inappropriate.
- The therapist intervened, suggesting that the parents reflect on their responses and the dynamics at play.

In conclusion, OP feels justified in his feelings and comments during therapy, believing they reflect the reality of his family situation. The ongoing family drama highlights the challenges of conflict resolution when deeper issues remain unaddressed. OP is left questioning whether he is in the wrong for expressing his feelings about his parents’ capabilities as caregivers.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

I, 17M, have been attending family therapy with my parents for the last six months. We always needed therapy, like individual therapy and not family therapy, but my parents never saw that. Instead, they see it as we need family therapy to fix the relationship, and that’s possible without doing anything else because there are no personal problems making our family a trainwreck. But that’s not true at all.

I think my mom has some undiagnosed mental illness. I don’t know what. I’m not a doctor or an expert, so of course, I can’t know for certain.

But my mom is the most erratic person I know. She’s super controlling of everything around her, from me and dad to the house. Everything has to be done her way, and she’s very organized and strict about how things should look or where they should be.

When I was younger, homework was the worst part of my day because she insisted I do it in a set place, at a set time, and I had to sit and finish before I could use the bathroom or get a drink. I wasn’t allowed to need help because I was told I should know. She would also look over the work my teacher corrected, and she’d get mad if I got one answer wrong or if I made a mistake that she felt was me being sloppy.

Dad and I had to do our chores at the time my mom set, and we didn’t get to take breaks. A few times we went on vacation with family members, and she’d try to control them too and set the schedule for everyone. She’s also really paranoid.

She hated my best friend’s grandma, who was raising my best friend, because his grandma said I was a great kid and she loved having me at their house and that I was so polite and stuff. My mom saw his grandma’s compliments as her wanting to steal me away from her and dad. My second-grade teacher brought up the trouble I had with spelling, and my mom was convinced the teacher had it out for her and was accusing her of being a bad mom because the teacher suggested I get some extra help with spelling.

She even filed a complaint against the teacher, saying she overstepped and implied her parenting was failing and that she believed the teacher had a personal grudge against her. I was there when they spoke, and the teacher literally just pointed out I needed more help with spelling. My mom wanted me to move classes, and she ignored any more contact from the teacher and made my dad do it too.

She’s also convinced my bosses were trying to drive me away from the family because they were sending me home with leftovers to share and teaching me stuff about baking during quiet hours at work. Like, she straight up put $25 worth of baked goods in the trash because she believed it was a bad sign from my bosses. I feel like my mom does nothing but berate me while she also comes out with some weird stuff.

Her emotions are all over the place too because she could yell at me. But if I sigh in response or if I say okay after being yelled at, she’ll cry and ask why I hate her. My dad had a pretty messed up relationship with his dad, and he’s repeating that stuff with me.

His dad wasn’t interested in him, so there are days he’ll get really aggressive about us spending time together, and he’ll be practically yelling at me to kick a football around with him or go someplace or whatever. It’s always been that way. It used to scare me how angry he’d get about it.

But on the flip side, when I would seek him out, he’d tell me to give him some spare time or he didn’t have the time. He forgot my birthday five different years and never acknowledged it. He was never willing to help me with homework.

He’d say it wasn’t his job to, and I should ask my mom, and when I’d say she didn’t believe in helping, he’d say I should follow her rules about it. He also complains all the time about how much money I cost him. He never hides that stuff from me, and I know his dad used to do that to him as well, so you’d think he knows how it makes a kid feel, but he doesn’t seem to care.

I’m pretty sure I have some kind of anxiety and depression because of everything. Stuff is way harder for me than it used to be, and there are days I don’t know why I bother. There’s also the thing of me not trusting my parents anymore.

Our relationship basically stopped a year ago, and I was avoiding them. They quickly noticed and tried to make family time a priority, but I resisted, and then they said we needed family therapy. I asked for solo therapy, and they said no.

They said no to the family therapist when she suggested solo therapy to begin with. Instead, they talk about wanting us to be closer and to fix everything and how they never expected to be the parents with a teenage kid who doesn’t even speak to them anymore. They talked about trying their best, and mom has said I always had issues with them, even as a baby; I seemed to resent them.

They also got highly critical of me in several sessions, and it reached a point where the therapist had to intervene and asked them to consider what they were saying and why they thought that way and felt that way. The other week, we had a session, and the therapist made my parents stay quiet longer than they normally would. She asked them to give me more time to speak, and she asked some questions, and some were even about if I wanted to be there and what I’d like to get out of the experience.

But at one point, a question came up where she asked me if I had anything to get off my chest to really bring home the problems between us, and that’s when I said I didn’t think my parents should’ve had kids and that I didn’t think they were capable of being good parents. After therapy, my parents accused me of going too far with those comments, and it came up in the next therapy session, and the therapist challenged them and told them they should have waited until the next session.

But they said I went too far and can’t take back what I said. The problem is I meant every word of it. AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for their situation, emphasizing the toxic and controlling nature of their parents. Many users advise OP to focus on preparing for independence as they approach adulthood, suggesting practical steps like saving money, seeking therapy, and planning an exit strategy. The overarching sentiment is one of support for OP’s desire to escape an unhealthy environment and the recognition that their parents’ issues are not OP’s responsibility.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when underlying issues remain unaddressed. Here are some practical steps for both OP and his parents to consider in order to foster healthier communication and relationships.

For OP:

Continue Individual Therapy: Seek individual therapy to process your feelings and develop coping strategies. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and help you navigate your family dynamics.
Document Your Feelings: Keep a journal to express your thoughts and feelings. This can help clarify your emotions and provide a reference for discussions with your therapist or family.
Set Boundaries: Identify what behaviors from your parents are unacceptable and communicate these boundaries clearly. Practice assertiveness in expressing your needs without being confrontational.
Plan for Independence: As you approach adulthood, consider practical steps towards independence. This could include saving money, exploring job opportunities, or researching living arrangements post-high school.
Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote your mental and emotional well-being. This could include hobbies, exercise, or spending time with supportive friends.

For OP’s Parents:

Reflect on Parenting Styles: Take time to reflect on your parenting approaches and consider how they may be impacting OP. Acknowledge that your own experiences and challenges may influence your behavior.
Seek Individual Therapy: Consider individual therapy to address personal issues, including any mental health concerns. This can help you gain insight into your behavior and improve your parenting skills.
Practice Active Listening: During family discussions, focus on truly listening to OP’s feelings without becoming defensive. Validate his emotions and show empathy towards his experiences.
Open Communication: Create a safe space for OP to express his thoughts and feelings. Encourage open dialogue without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Educate Yourselves: Learn about mental health and parenting strategies. Understanding the challenges OP faces can help you provide better support and foster a healthier family environment.

Joint Steps for Family Improvement:

Family Therapy Focus: Reassess the goals of family therapy. Ensure that all members feel heard and that the sessions address the core issues affecting the family dynamic.
Establish Family Meetings: Schedule regular family meetings to discuss concerns, celebrate achievements, and plan family activities. This can help improve communication and strengthen relationships.
Set Common Goals: Work together to establish common goals for the family. This could include improving communication, reducing conflict, or supporting each other’s individual growth.
Practice Forgiveness: Encourage a culture of forgiveness within the family. Acknowledge past mistakes and work towards healing and rebuilding trust.
Celebrate Progress: Recognize and celebrate small victories in improving family dynamics. Positive reinforcement can motivate everyone to continue working towards a healthier relationship.

Resolving family conflict takes time, patience, and commitment from all parties involved. By taking these steps, OP and his parents can work towards a more supportive and understanding family environment.

Join the Discussion

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