AITA for still being no contact with my brother after something that happened 4 years ago?

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When Family Ties Turn Toxic

A young woman reflects on a traumatic incident with her older brother that shattered their close relationship, leaving her feeling unsafe and betrayed. After years of silence, he reaches out, hoping for forgiveness and a chance to reconnect, but she grapples with the pressure from family to mend their bond. This story raises thought-provoking questions about the complexities of familial loyalty, the boundaries of forgiveness, and the impact of past trauma on present relationships. It’s a relatable exploration for many who have faced difficult choices about family dynamics and personal safety.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Personal Story

A 20-year-old individual shares their experience of family conflict and the impact of a traumatic incident involving their older brother, James, who is now 25. The story highlights the tension surrounding a recent internship celebration and the ongoing struggle for resolution within the family.

Background: The narrator and James were once close, but a significant incident four years ago changed their relationship.
Stressful Circumstances: During the summer, James was juggling an internship, a part-time job, and the responsibility of caring for his younger sibling.
Incident Trigger: After a long night shift, James returned home to find dishes left in the sink, which led to a heated argument.
Escalation: In a moment of anger, James slapped the narrator, resulting in a serious injury to their lip.
Panic and Departure: Following the incident, the narrator experienced a panic attack and decided to leave for their parents’ house, feeling unsafe around James.
Family Reaction: The parents were initially upset with James but eventually moved on from the incident, while the narrator chose to cut off contact.
Years of Silence: For the next four years, the narrator maintained their distance, expressing that they could never trust James again.

Fast forward to the present:

New Opportunity: The narrator secured an internship at a hospital they had long aspired to work at and celebrated with a party, excluding James from the invitation.
James’s Reaction: James discovered the celebration through social media and reached out using a fake account, questioning why he was not invited.
Confrontation: The narrator reiterated their feelings about the past incident and expressed their desire for distance, leading to further conflict.
Family Division: Other family members have since intervened, urging the narrator to forgive James and reconcile, creating tension within the family.

The narrator is now faced with a dilemma: whether to hold onto their feelings of hurt and betrayal or to consider the possibility of forgiveness for the sake of family unity. The ongoing family drama raises questions about conflict resolution and the complexities of familial relationships.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

Me, 20, and my brother, James, 25, were really close before this, but I don’t feel safe around him and haven’t felt safe around him after what happened.

So rewind to 4 years ago. I was at James’s apartment for the summer. At that time, my brother was stressed out; he was an intern working to become a doctor, worked a part-time job on the side, had bills to pay, and then on top of that, had to take care of 16-year-old me.

It was hard; I understand that, but that doesn’t make what he did understandable. So around April of that year, his rent increased by a lot, so he got another part-time job. One day, after a long night shift, he came home; he was really tired and had to go to his second job.

I could tell he was stressed out, so I made him some dinner. I left dishes in the sink because I also was very tired. I went to sleep and woke up the next day to him yelling for me to wash all the dishes before he got home; he was leaving for work and had already done everything he needed to in the kitchen. I’m guessing the dishes just bothered him.

TW: Bloody details coming up

I was like, “Okay,” and was walking back into my room to go back to sleep, like any normal person would, because I could just do it later. Then he goes batshit crazy, yelling at me that I’m lazy and can’t do anything and that I’m always in my room 24/7. I was so confused, so I was like, “Bro, are you okay?” And he saw that as a form of disrespect and slapped me.

Context: my brother is a gym rat who plays football and boxes. Crazy, I know. So I’m like, “WTF, you just hit me?” I screamed at him, and he said, “STFU,” and I continued yelling at him. He slapped me again, but this time he busted my lip, so my teeth bit the top part really hard and deep, and the same with my bottom lip, so blood was dripping everywhere, and my brother said, “Clean this mess up.” I can’t forget those words to this day.

I proceeded to have a panic attack for about an hour and patched myself up. By that time, my lip was really swollen. It looked like I did the Kylie Jenner lip trend, lol. I packed up all my things and left; I went back to my parent’s house because, again, I was there for the summer.

I got home and didn’t tell my parents what happened, but later in the day, my phone started blowing up. My brother was texting, calling, and leaving voicemails, trying to reach me in any way possible.

I blocked him on everything, and after he couldn’t reach me, he talked to my parents and told them what happened. They, of course, were mad at him but eventually got over it.

After a month or so, I let him know that I was not going to contact him again and that he should really leave me alone and stop trying. Because I would never trust him or feel safe around him ever again.

I haven’t contacted him since, but here comes the problem. This year, I finally got an internship at a hospital that I’ve always wanted to work at since I was a little kid. I was so excited; I held a party for myself, put it all over social media, and invited all of my family except my brother, of course.

He found out. I’m not sure who told him yet, but I will figure it out. He got a hold of my social media; I’m not sure who gave it to him, but he contacted me using a fake account and asked why he wasn’t invited.

I told him I hadn’t talked to him for the past 4 years and why he would expect me to ever say anything to him again. He said because he is family, he was hoping that I had forgiven him after what happened and that I’m being too immature and just need to let him celebrate me.

He said that being an intern was a big part of his life too and that he could give me advice. I told him that I didn’t want anything from him and that he should leave me alone. I blocked him.

But I’ve been getting calls from other family members saying that I shouldn’t hold a grudge against family and need to forgive him for a mistake he made. It’s got my whole family divided, and I’m not sure what to do.

Sorry if this is really hard to read; I’m still in shock a little bit.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the brother’s actions were abusive and unacceptable, with many users emphasizing that he has not taken responsibility for his behavior. Commenters suggest that the original poster (OP) is justified in maintaining distance from him, especially since he has not sincerely apologized or sought help for his anger issues. Overall, the comments highlight the importance of safety and the right to choose not to forgive an abuser.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family conflicts, especially those rooted in trauma, can be incredibly challenging to navigate. It’s important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding for both sides. Here are some practical steps to consider for resolving the conflict between the narrator and their brother, James:

For the Narrator

Prioritize Your Safety: Your well-being is paramount. If you feel unsafe around James, it’s completely valid to maintain distance until you feel secure.
Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding the incident. Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help clarify your feelings about forgiveness and reconciliation.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to your family regarding interactions with James. Let them know that while you understand their desire for unity, your feelings must be respected.
Consider a Mediated Conversation: If you feel ready, consider a mediated conversation with James, perhaps with a neutral family member or therapist present. This can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings.
Focus on Healing: Engage in activities that promote your emotional and mental well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who respect your feelings.

For James

Take Responsibility: Acknowledge the impact of your actions on your sibling. A sincere apology can go a long way in beginning the healing process.
Seek Help: Consider speaking with a therapist to address any underlying anger issues. Taking proactive steps to manage your emotions can demonstrate your commitment to change.
Respect Their Space: Understand that your sibling may need time and space to heal. Pressuring them for forgiveness can further damage the relationship.
Communicate Openly: If given the opportunity, express your feelings honestly and listen to their perspective without becoming defensive. This can help rebuild trust over time.
Show Consistent Change: Actions speak louder than words. Demonstrating consistent, positive behavior over time can help rebuild trust and show your commitment to a healthier relationship.

For the Family

Encourage Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for family members to express their feelings about the situation without judgment. This can help everyone understand each other’s perspectives.
Support Both Parties: Recognize that both the narrator and James have valid feelings. Offer support to both sides without taking sides, which can help reduce tension.
Promote Professional Help: Encourage family members to seek therapy or counseling, either individually or as a group, to address the underlying issues and improve communication.
Be Patient: Healing takes time. Allow both the narrator and James to process their emotions at their own pace without pressure to reconcile immediately.

Ultimately, the path to resolution will depend on the willingness of both parties to engage in open, honest communication and to prioritize healing. Remember, it’s okay to take your time in navigating these complex emotions and relationships.

Join the Discussion

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