AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone

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When Forgotten Birthdays Strike Back

In a poignant tale of familial neglect, a woman grapples with her father’s consistent failure to remember her birthday, a hurt that has lingered since childhood. Despite her efforts to celebrate him and keep family traditions alive, his dismissive attitude leaves her feeling unvalued and overlooked. When she decides to mirror his indifference on his birthday, the consequences are both surprising and thought-provoking, raising questions about expectations in family relationships. This story resonates with anyone who has felt unappreciated or taken for granted, especially in the context of parental bonds.

Family Drama Over Birthdays: A Conflict Resolution Story

A 44-year-old woman reflects on her ongoing family drama regarding her father’s consistent failure to remember her birthday. Despite her efforts to maintain a relationship, the lack of acknowledgment from her father has led to significant tension.

Background: The woman’s father, aged 73, has a history of forgetting her birthday, a pattern that began in her childhood. Her mother, who passed away a decade ago, used to remember these occasions, but since her death, the responsibility has fallen solely on the father.
Sibling Dynamics: The woman has two siblings, a 46-year-old sister and a 33-year-old brother, who also struggle to remember important dates. She often reminds them to acknowledge their father’s birthday, but they tend to forget as well.
Efforts Made: Over the years, the woman has made considerable efforts to celebrate her father’s birthdays, including taking him out for dinner, giving gifts, and organizing surprise parties. For his 70th birthday, she even arranged a large gathering with extended family.
Communication Breakdown: Despite her attempts to express how hurtful it is when he forgets her birthday, her father dismisses her feelings, claiming that birthdays are not important. This year, during a Christmas conversation, she confronted him about his lack of effort and asked him to recall her birth year, which he could not do.
Turning Point: On his 73rd birthday, the woman chose not to remind her siblings about the occasion, knowing they would forget. When her father called her the day before, she engaged in casual conversation but ended the call abruptly. On his birthday, she turned off her phone and went out, leading to a lonely celebration for him.
Consequences: The next day, her father expressed disappointment that no one remembered his birthday. The woman pointed out that he had made it clear that birthdays were unimportant to him, and he was experiencing the consequences of his actions. Although he agreed, he remained upset.
Future Outlook: The woman acknowledges her love for her father but believes that this pattern will continue unless he makes an effort to change. She humorously suggests that for her upcoming 45th birthday, he should consider getting her flowers, a kitten, and Turkish delight to mend their relationship.

In conclusion, this story highlights the complexities of family dynamics and the challenges of conflict resolution when it comes to emotional needs and expectations. The ongoing tension surrounding birthdays serves as a reminder of the importance of acknowledgment and effort in maintaining familial relationships.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Throwaway because way too many of my friends are on Reddit!

My 44F Dad 73M has never remembered my birthday. It was slightly covered up when I was a child because my Mum always remembered. But a couple of times when she wasn’t around, it fell to him, and he totally failed.

For example, I got nothing on my 18th birthday because my Mum was away for three months. My sister 46F had a party with friends, a new dress, and lovely gifts when she turned 18. Every year it’s the same.

My two siblings, I also have a much younger brother 33M, aren’t great at this kind of thing, but I always remind them it’s Dad’s birthday so they can send him a card and call. Since my Mum died a decade ago, I usually take him out to dinner and give him a gift so he’s not alone. A couple of times I’ve thrown him a surprise party, and for his 70th, I threw a big event where his extended family flew in.

I always point out to him when he has forgotten mine. I’ve told him I find it very hurtful. He just shakes it off and says it isn’t important, even though I just told him it was important to me.

And then he forgets it again. Every year. This year at Christmas, he was talking about something relevant, so I took the opportunity to tell him that he needs to make the effort. Then I asked him when I was born.

He couldn’t even come up with the year. He mocked me for being sensitive – and inside, I just let it all go. He has a phenomenal memory – it’s ludicrous that he won’t do this for me.

I don’t even want a gift, though I won’t lie, it would be nice, just a happy birthday call or a card. Well, his 73rd birthday just rolled around. I didn’t remind my siblings about it, so they both forgot.

He rang me the day before; I knew why, but I chatted about random things and then said I had to run and quickly ended the call. On his birthday, I turned off my phone and went out. He rang me the next day and said that no one remembered his birthday, not even a card or a phone call, and he spent it alone.

I guarantee that’s a first. I told him he had made it abundantly clear that birthdays were not important and that he was reaping what he’d sowed. He grumpily agreed with me, but he’s still mad.

I’m sorry his feelings got hurt because I do love him, but I think this is the way it’s going to be from now on. Unless he steps up and gets me flowers, a kitten, and some Turkish delight for my 45th, in which case we’re all good. Just FYI, I don’t neglect him.

I order his groceries every week and bring him round to dinner every Monday. And this is a blind spot for him. He’s honestly a nice man and can be very generous when it occurs to him.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not the asshole (NTA) for their actions, as many users believe the father deserved the wake-up call after years of neglecting OP’s feelings regarding birthdays. Commenters emphasize that the father’s indifference to OP’s birthdays warranted this response, suggesting that it might prompt him to change his behavior in the future. Overall, the comments reflect a belief that sometimes people need to experience the consequences of their actions to understand their impact on others.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Birthday Conflict

Family dynamics can be complex, especially when emotional needs and expectations are involved. In this situation, both the woman and her father have valid feelings that need to be addressed. Here are some practical steps for resolving the conflict while fostering understanding and connection:

Open Communication: Encourage the woman to have a calm and honest conversation with her father. She should express her feelings without placing blame, using “I” statements to convey how his actions have affected her. For example, “I feel hurt when my birthday is forgotten because it makes me feel unimportant.” This approach can help her father understand her perspective without feeling attacked.
Set Expectations: The woman could clarify what she hopes for regarding birthday acknowledgments. This could include simple gestures like a phone call or a card. By setting clear expectations, her father may feel more equipped to meet her needs.
Involve Siblings: Since the siblings also struggle with remembering important dates, it might be beneficial for the woman to involve them in the conversation. They can collectively agree to remind each other about significant occasions, creating a support system that fosters accountability.
Establish Traditions: The family could create new traditions around birthdays that everyone can participate in. This could be a simple family dinner or a group text to acknowledge each other’s special days. Establishing traditions can help reinforce the importance of these occasions and create positive memories.
Encourage Reflection: The father may benefit from reflecting on his own feelings about birthdays and why he has dismissed their importance. Encouraging him to consider how his actions impact his relationships could lead to personal growth and a desire to change.
Be Patient: Change takes time, and it’s important for the woman to be patient with her father as he navigates this process. Acknowledging small improvements can help build a more positive relationship over time.
Seek Professional Help: If the conflict continues to cause significant distress, family therapy could be a valuable option. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help both sides understand each other better.

Ultimately, resolving this conflict requires empathy and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives. By taking these steps, both the woman and her father can work towards a healthier relationship that honors their emotional needs.

Join the Discussion

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