AITA for refusing to buy my wife a “push present”

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

When Love Meets Expectations: A Couple’s Dilemma

After 17 years of partnership, a husband finds himself in a surprising conflict with his pregnant wife over the concept of a “push present.” While they’ve always valued practicality over materialism, her desire for a gift—sparked by peer pressure—challenges their long-standing agreement. As he grapples with feelings of betrayal and confusion, he questions whether to uphold their shared values or give in to her new expectations. This relatable story highlights the complexities of marriage, societal influences, and the struggle to maintain a united front amidst changing dynamics.

Family Drama Over a Gift: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma

A 34-year-old man is facing tension with his pregnant wife regarding a gift she expected after the birth of their third child. The couple has been together for 17 years and has always operated as equals, making decisions together. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background: The couple has two children, ages 7 and 4, and has navigated various challenges, including family losses and a chronic diagnosis for one of their kids.
Gift Expectations: The wife recently asked what her husband would buy her when she comes home from the hospital. He responded that he would buy nothing, which led to her giving him the silent treatment.
Gift Philosophy: Throughout their relationship, they have agreed not to exchange gifts, a decision made during their financially constrained college years. They prefer to buy what they need when necessary.
Peer Influence: The wife expressed that many of her friends received extravagant gifts after childbirth, which made her feel left out. She mentioned that even their mothers received gifts from their fathers.
Husband’s Perspective: The husband views the idea of a “push present” as a commercialized concept that does not align with their values. He feels that the request undermines their shared history and the equality they have maintained in their relationship.
Emotional Conflict: The husband loves and appreciates his wife but is concerned that her desire for a gift stems from peer pressure rather than genuine need. He worries that this shift could indicate a change in their relationship dynamic.

The husband is now grappling with whether he should adhere to their established principles or buy the jewelry to maintain peace. He emphasizes that the issue is not about the gift itself but rather the implications of his wife’s request and the potential shift in their relationship. He seeks advice on how to communicate this to his wife, especially given her emotional state during pregnancy.

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama and the challenges of conflict resolution in relationships. The couple must navigate their differing perspectives on gifts while maintaining their strong bond built over years of partnership.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Final Edit

As my phone went crazy with this post, she looked as if it was never locked. We had the talk, and I got the explanation. She also commented here after the talk comment.

Edit

Reading these comments, it feels like most of the people think that I do not love my wife. I love her and my children more than anybody loves anything! What hurt me is the fact that we never made a decision solo and never demanded anything material!

We always had each other, and what now? After 17 years? I could just buy anything, but that was never the point! I need to understand what changed.

Original Post

My 34M wife, 34F, is pregnant with our third child. The other day, she asked what I’d buy her when she comes home from the hospital. I was caught off guard and said, “Nothing.” Since then, she’s been giving me the silent treatment.

For context, we’ve been together for 17 years, married for 9, and have two great kids, 7 and 4. We’ve faced a lot together—family losses, pregnancy loss, a big move to another country and back, another move across the country, and a chronic diagnosis for one of our kids. Through it all, we’ve always operated as equals, making decisions together.

One relevant detail: We don’t do gifts. This was her idea early in our relationship, as we were broke college students and didn’t see the point in buying things just for the sake of it. Even now, we buy what we need when we need it.

The last time I bought her jewelry was last summer when she specifically asked for gold earrings, and we could afford them. So when she suddenly asked about a gift, I thought she was joking. Turns out, she wasn’t.

She explained that many of her friends recently had babies, and their husbands bought them diamond rings or gold jewelry. Even our mothers got gifts from our fathers. She doesn’t want to feel left out.

To me, this whole push present thing feels like a commercialized, western gimmick—something that was never ours. We built a home and a life together. I don’t want to feel like I’m paying for the birth of our child, as if it’s just hers.

If she truly wanted something meaningful, she could have told me, not just pointed out that “everyone else got one, so I should too.” I love and appreciate her, but she never wanted this for our first two kids. It feels like she just wants to keep up with her friends, many of whom treat their husbands poorly and love flaunting that they run the show.

So, AITA for sticking to our usual approach, or should I just buy the jewelry to keep the peace?

Edit

Just to be clear, it was never about the gift itself—I actually love buying her things. Over the years, I’ve gotten her plenty of stuff that we just don’t label as gifts because they’re usually practical, not surprises, and not tied to special occasions. So no, I’m not some stingy caveman hoarding my gold.

The issue here isn’t the jewelry; it’s that she’s giving in to peer pressure and, in the process, turning against me when it’s always been us against the world. How do you explain to your pregnant, hormonal, love-of-your-life that the problem isn’t the shiny object, but the sudden shift in us?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the husband is not being considerate of his wife’s feelings regarding the desire for a push present. Many users emphasize the importance of acknowledging the sacrifices she has made during pregnancy and childbirth, suggesting that a small gesture of appreciation, such as a gift, is a meaningful way to express gratitude. Overall, the comments highlight the need for better communication and understanding in their relationship.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Conflict in relationships, especially during significant life changes like welcoming a new child, can be challenging. It’s essential to approach this situation with empathy and understanding for both partners’ perspectives. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict:

Open a Dialogue:
The husband should initiate a calm and open conversation with his wife. He can express his love and appreciation for her while acknowledging her feelings about the push present. This sets a positive tone for the discussion.
Validate Her Feelings:
It’s crucial for the husband to validate his wife’s feelings. He can say something like, “I understand that many of your friends received gifts, and it makes you feel special. Your feelings are valid, and I want to understand more about why this is important to you.”
Share His Perspective:
The husband should share his viewpoint on their gift philosophy without dismissing her feelings. He can explain why they decided against gifts in the past and how he views the push present as a commercialized concept. However, he should emphasize that he values their shared history and equality.
Explore Compromise:
Both partners should discuss potential compromises. For instance, the husband could suggest a small, meaningful gift that aligns with their values, such as a family experience or a personalized item that symbolizes their journey together.
Focus on Appreciation:
The couple can brainstorm ways to express appreciation for each other beyond material gifts. This could include writing letters to each other, planning a special date night after the baby arrives, or simply verbal affirmations of love and support.
Revisit Their Values:
They should take time to revisit their shared values and how they can adapt them to their current situation. This could involve discussing how they can honor their past decisions while also being open to new traditions that may arise as their family grows.
Seek Professional Help if Needed:
If the conflict persists or escalates, it may be beneficial to seek the help of a couples therapist. A professional can provide a neutral space for both partners to express their feelings and work towards a resolution.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster understanding and connection during this significant life transition. By approaching the situation with empathy and a willingness to compromise, the couple can strengthen their bond and navigate this challenge together.