AITAH for refusing to pay my wife while we are separated?

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Struggling with Sacrifice and Resentment

In a heart-wrenching tale of love and loss, a husband grapples with the emotional fallout of his wife’s unresolved trauma and midlife crisis, leading to a rift in their marriage. As he juggles three jobs to support them both, he feels increasingly resentful of her lack of commitment and independence. When he decides to take a stand by cutting off her financial support, he questions whether he’s justified or crossing a line. This story resonates with anyone who’s faced the challenges of balancing personal sacrifice with the need for self-preservation in a relationship.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: AITA for Stopping Payments to My Estranged Wife?

In a challenging situation involving family dynamics and personal struggles, a husband is grappling with the emotional fallout of his wife’s trauma and their strained relationship. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background: The wife has experienced significant trauma with the deaths of her grandfather and father, which has led to her struggling with coping mechanisms.
Current Relationship Status: The couple is in counseling, but communication is minimal. The wife has expressed a desire for independence, enjoying aspects of being single.
Financial Responsibilities: The husband works three jobs to support both himself and his wife, covering all bills except her cell phone and a portion of the car payment.
Resentment Builds: The husband feels resentful as his wife has been unresponsive and has recently requested $150 weekly for her expenses, which he has been providing.
Travel Plans: The couple had previously discussed a trip to Greece, but the wife’s current lack of commitment to their relationship has led the husband to reconsider this plan.
Decision to Stop Payments: Frustrated by the situation, the husband has decided to stop providing the weekly allowance, believing it unfair for him to support her while she enjoys her independence.
Counselor’s Perspective: The husband’s counselor has indicated that stopping payments could be viewed as abusive, adding to the conflict surrounding the situation.

The husband is now questioning whether his actions are justified, given the circumstances. He feels that his hard work should allow him to enjoy the benefits of his labor, especially since he is still covering most of their expenses. The emotional toll of working multiple jobs while dealing with his wife’s midlife crisis has left him feeling trapped and frustrated.

In summary, the husband is seeking clarity on whether he is in the wrong for stopping payments to his estranged wife, given the context of their relationship and his financial contributions. The situation highlights the complexities of family drama, emotional trauma, and the challenges of conflict resolution in a marriage facing significant tension.

Ultimately, the question remains: AITA for prioritizing my own well-being and financial stability in this difficult situation?

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

For context, my wife went through some trauma and has not been using appropriate coping skills or seeking help. Instead, she is going through a complete midlife crisis of sorts, including leaving me rather unexpectedly. We are in counseling, but as of now, she cannot commit to anything other than a walk once a week. We barely speak.

More context: I work THREE JOBS. The original plan was to stack and stack to go travel and possibly foster children eventually. She works one job. I pay all of her and my bills with the exception of her cell phone bill and 14 of the car payment.

I was feeling quite resentful because she had been ignoring all of my messages for about a week. I saw that she was ordering food through a delivery service, so I changed my password. I saw she was also attempting to buy groceries on a similar app, so I took her off all of them.

She then asked me for $150 a week for expenses. I’ve paid it for about a month, and I’m sick of it. We had talked about going to Greece as a couple. Now, she can’t even commit to more than one walk a week with me and maybe three messages a day.

No plan to get back together any time soon. She says she’s enjoying aspects of being single. So I’m PISSED. I want to go to Greece by myself to reap the benefits of my hard labor.

I stopped paying her. My counselor told me that stopping payment is akin to abuse. But I think that working three jobs and sacrificing my mental and physical health so my estranged wife can do God knows what on my dime is also abuse.

I’m standing my ground and not paying her weekly. AITAH? Since I pay all of her other bills, this seems quite reasonable. I’m not going to stop paying her bills except maybe her gym membership; that’s not essential.

EDIT

The trauma was her grandfather dying; she was close to him. Then, about a year later, her dad died. Neither death was unexpected—grandpa was 91, and dad had been battling lung cancer while continuing to smoke for about four years.

It was traumatic because she was very close to both of them, and when her dad died, it was in the midst of COVID, so she wasn’t able to say a real goodbye. Grandpa died three years ago, and dad died two years ago.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for wanting to stop financially supporting his estranged wife. Many users criticize the therapist’s advice as misguided and suggest that OP should seek legal counsel instead, emphasizing that his wife is capable of supporting herself and is taking advantage of the situation. Overall, the comments advocate for OP to prioritize his own well-being and consider divorce, as his wife’s actions do not align with her stated intentions of reconciliation.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

In navigating the complexities of your situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a focus on constructive communication. Here are some practical steps to consider for both you and your wife:

Open Communication: Schedule a calm and honest conversation with your wife. Express your feelings about the financial support and how it impacts your emotional well-being. Encourage her to share her perspective as well.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you are comfortable with regarding financial support. It’s important to establish boundaries that protect your well-being while still being considerate of her needs.
Seek Professional Guidance: While your current counselor’s advice may not resonate, consider finding a therapist who specializes in couples therapy or financial counseling. A neutral third party can facilitate healthier communication and help both of you navigate your feelings.
Evaluate Financial Responsibilities: Discuss the financial dynamics of your relationship openly. If your wife is seeking independence, it may be time for her to take on more financial responsibility. Explore options for her to contribute, even if it’s minimal at first.
Consider Legal Advice: If the relationship continues to strain, consulting with a legal professional about your options may be beneficial. Understanding your rights and responsibilities can provide clarity and help you make informed decisions.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This will help you approach the situation with a clearer mind and a more balanced perspective.
Explore Relationship Goals: Reflect on what you both want moving forward. Are you both committed to working on the relationship? If so, outline specific goals and timelines to help guide your progress.
Be Prepared for Change: Understand that the outcome may not align with your initial hopes. Be open to the possibility that separation or divorce could be a healthier option for both of you if the relationship remains unfulfilling.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster a healthier dynamic that respects both your needs and your wife’s. By approaching the situation with empathy and a willingness to communicate, you can work towards a resolution that prioritizes both your well-being and the potential for healing in your relationship.

Join the Discussion

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