[UPDATE 2] AITA for cutting contact with my childhood best friend because she demanded that I break up with my fiancé?

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Family Secrets and Betrayal: A Daughter’s Heartbreaking Discovery

In a shocking dinner revelation, a young woman learns that her mother has been harboring deep-seated resentment towards her, fueled by comparisons to her best friend, Mary. As she grapples with the possibility that her mother may have manipulated her perception of family dynamics, she questions the trustworthiness of those closest to her, including her father. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family relationships, highlighting the often-hidden struggles that can exist beneath a seemingly normal facade.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Daughter’s Perspective

In a recent family dinner, a daughter learned unsettling truths about her mother, leading to significant wedding tension and a reevaluation of family dynamics. Here’s a summary of the situation:

Background: The daughter had dinner with her father, where they discussed her mother and her relationship with Mary, a family friend.
Mother’s Behavior: The mother had always been concerned about appearances, particularly influenced by Mary’s mother, who often criticized her. This led the mother to change various aspects of her life to gain approval.
Comparison with Mary: The mother frequently compared her daughter to Mary, expressing a wish that Mary were her real daughter. This comparison extended to the daughter’s inability to conceive, which the mother blamed on her.
Family Image: Mary’s family appeared perfect, which the mother tried to emulate, despite their own flaws. The daughter felt her mother’s desire to be part of Mary’s family was unhealthy.
Father’s Insight: The father revealed that he had considered divorce due to the mother’s behavior but feared losing custody of their daughter. He had not previously shared these concerns with her.
Mother’s Interference: The mother reached out to the daughter’s mother-in-law, expressing concerns about the daughter’s relationship with her fiancé, Dave. This action was seen as an attempt to create conflict.
Disappointment: The daughter felt disappointed by her mother’s actions and the lack of support from other family members, questioning why no one intervened sooner.
Future Considerations: The daughter is contemplating cutting ties with her mother but is hesitant due to her father’s situation. She worries about the impact on her father if she chooses to distance herself from her mother.

This situation highlights the complexities of family relationships, especially when external influences and personal insecurities come into play. The daughter is now faced with the challenge of navigating her feelings and deciding on the best course of action for her own well-being and her father’s.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

I just want to say this in advance: I don’t know if my dad was telling the full truth! I do believe him, but he might have exaggerated or left things out. It’s entirely possible that he lied to a certain extent – I personally don’t think that, but then again, most of the things he told me yesterday, I’ve heard about for the first time and they make him seem incredibly innocent.

Maybe he was lying? I don’t know. This whole situation just makes me question who I can trust in general.

So, we had dinner with my dad last night and it went pretty well overall. We mainly talked about my mom and Mary. Apparently, my mom had always been concerned about what others thought about her, but when she met Mary’s mother, it reached a whole new level.

Mary’s mother often criticized my mom for all sorts of things – her parenting style, her clothes, her house, you name it. Whenever it was something that my mom could change, she changed it immediately to appease Mary’s mother. That’s also why I was put into dance classes when I was younger – because Mary’s mother signed Mary up for dance classes, one of many examples.

So yeah, as most comments suggested, she’s being pushed around by Mary’s mom. Is she a narcissist? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist. One thing to know about Mary’s family is that they do a damn good job at appearing perfect.

Happy family, nice jobs, nice house, etc. I guess my mom bought their persona and tried to copy it. I’m not going to trash talk the whole family here, but let’s just say that they have just as many flaws as any other family.

Also, my mom was apparently talking shit about me to my dad. Comparing me to Mary in basically every way, and she even said multiple times that she wished Mary was her real daughter. She also believes that I took away her chance to live her dream life.

Fun fact, but according to my dad, my mom’s apparently HUGE on family. She always wanted to have at least four children – ironic, I know. She had a pretty traumatic birth experience with me, and doctors told her that she shouldn’t try for children again – yeah, apparently she’s blaming me for that.

She then hoped that she’d get to live her dream through me – basically that I have a lot of children. Bit of TMI right here, but I’ve mentioned it in the comments a few times already, so whatever. I can’t get pregnant, like at all, which means she luckily won’t get any grandchildren from me.

I guess she sticks so close to Mary and Mary’s mother because she hopes to be a grandma to Mary’s potential children. That’s honestly so creepy and messed up in my opinion, but well, we’re talking about my mom here.

I also feel the need to clarify that I didn’t know ANY of that. My mom never said anything negative about me to my face – sure, there were some comparisons here and there, but nothing major or something that had an impact on me. It’s always been just general stuff that parents tend to do – comparing grades, behavior, skills, etc.

She’s also never directly blamed me for her inability to have any more children and never said anything bad about me not being able to conceive – this is all just stuff she apparently said behind my back. She’s always been pretty alright to me. She most definitely wasn’t the best mom ever, but she wasn’t horrible either – just a person who, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had a child in the first place.

My dad also admitted that he’d considered divorcing her a few times, but never went through with it because he was scared that my mom would get primary custody. He’s currently considering it again, so let’s see how that goes.

As for why he never stood up to my mom? He genuinely didn’t have a reason for it. He knew that my mom’s never said anything like the things above to my face, so he didn’t think that he should tell me – at least not until I moved out.

He didn’t engage in these types of conversations with my mom and kept telling her to stop every time – which caused a lot of fighting between them. I knew that their marriage was messed up, but I always thought this had different reasons.

Also, my mom reached out to my mother-in-law and complained about Dave – how he changed me and stuff, referring to me cutting off Mary and choosing my fiancé over my best friend. My MIL, who’s an absolute angel, btw, simply asked her why she’s discussing this with her since Dave and I are adults – there’s no need to contact her for it.

My mom also told her that Mary said that Dave is cheating on me. She then simply told my mom, “Sounds like Mary’s projecting,” and hung up. I’m honestly so pissed that my mom tried to involve her in this situation, and I can’t help but wonder if she tried to create conflict between my MIL and my fiancé.

Maybe she genuinely believes Mary and wanted to warn my MIL, but I guess that would be wishful thinking. For some background, my MIL was a single mom because her ex-boyfriend, Dave’s father, cheated on her shortly after giving birth – as you might be able to imagine, she hates cheaters with a burning passion, and my mom obviously knew that.

So yeah, I guess my mom talked to Mary, who doubled down, and my mom decided to believe her. I was expecting that this would happen, but honestly, I’m really disappointed. I’m not even sad, angry, or anything – just absolutely disappointed and confused.

I’m currently considering sending her one last text before cutting her out for now, but I don’t know if I should give her the pleasure of receiving an explanation. I’m still on the fence about cutting ties with her in general, mainly for my dad’s sake.

Their marriage is rocky already, and although he’s considering divorcing her, I’m not sure if he’ll actually go through with it. Keeping in contact with one parent while not talking to the other one must put a whole lot of stress on the parent you’re still in touch with, and I quite honestly don’t want to worsen my dad’s home life any further.

It’s so crazy how I’ve lost so many people, who I considered important to me, in such a short amount of time. This whole situation also made me question other people – like my dad – a whole lot. There were so many people in my life throughout all those years, and nobody said anything??

Why didn’t my grandparents step in? Or my aunt? Or family friends?? I can’t imagine that they didn’t know about any of it, but then again, I didn’t either.

I also have no idea why I never noticed that my mom held some sort of resentment towards me. Shouldn’t I have noticed? I mean, I’ve been living with her under one roof for 18 years, yet I never noticed – imagined that she actually doesn’t like me.

Also, yes, Reddit became my new diary, lol.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) should cut contact with her mother due to her toxic behavior and the negative influence of her mother’s friend, Mary. Many users emphasize the importance of prioritizing one’s own well-being and suggest that distancing herself from these toxic relationships is a necessary step for healing and personal growth. Overall, the comments reflect a supportive stance towards OP’s decision to focus on her upcoming wedding and her relationship with her fiancé.

Verdict

NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when they involve deep-seated issues and external influences. Here are some practical steps for the daughter to consider in resolving the conflict with her mother while also taking care of her own well-being:

Steps for Conflict Resolution

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding your mother’s behavior. Journaling can help clarify your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors you will not tolerate from your mother. Communicate these boundaries to her in a calm and respectful manner, emphasizing that they are for your well-being.
Open a Dialogue: If you feel comfortable, consider having a candid conversation with your mother about how her actions have affected you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel hurt when you compare me to Mary”).
Involve Your Father: Since your father is aware of the situation, discuss your feelings with him. His support can be invaluable, and he may offer insights or help mediate the conversation with your mother.
Seek Professional Help: Family therapy can provide a safe space for all parties to express their feelings and work through conflicts. A neutral third party can facilitate healthier communication.
Prioritize Your Well-Being: Focus on your upcoming wedding and your relationship with your fiancé. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who uplift you and respect your boundaries.
Consider Gradual Distance: If your mother’s behavior doesn’t change, it may be necessary to distance yourself gradually. This doesn’t have to be a complete cut-off but can involve limiting interactions to protect your mental health.
Evaluate Your Decisions: Regularly assess how your choices impact your emotional well-being and your relationship with your father. Adjust your approach as needed, keeping communication open with him.

Addressing Both Sides

While it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being, it’s also important to consider your mother’s perspective. She may be acting out of her insecurities and a desire for approval. Acknowledging her feelings, even if you don’t agree with her actions, can help create a more constructive dialogue.

Ultimately, navigating family relationships requires patience and understanding. By taking these steps, you can work towards a healthier dynamic that respects your needs while also addressing the underlying issues within your family.

Join the Discussion

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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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