UPDATE: AITA For Telling My Mom that I Don’t Forgive my Brother

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Family Dynamics and Unexpected Bonds

In a heartfelt journey of self-discovery and familial conflict, a young adult grapples with their mother’s refusal to acknowledge the toxic behavior of their brother, leading to a dramatic family rift. As tensions rise, a supportive partner steps in, offering not just emotional backing but a life-changing proposal of adoption. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family relationships, highlighting the struggle between loyalty and self-preservation. It raises thought-provoking questions about parental responsibility and the importance of choosing one’s family in times of crisis.

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Journey Towards Healing

Two weeks have passed since I returned to campus, and the experience has been a mix of positive and negative developments. With the help of supportive comments and messages, I devised a plan to address the ongoing family drama involving my brother, my mother, and Jessica.

Initial Conversations: About a week and a half ago, I sat down with my mom and Jessica to express my feelings regarding my brother’s behavior. I highlighted my concerns about my mother still viewing him as her “baby” and her tendency to mirror the actions of his father, which she had previously criticized.
Unresolved Trauma: I pointed out that my mother’s reactions might stem from her unresolved issues with her own parents, particularly her mother. To my surprise, she acknowledged this and admitted her struggle to change her approach out of fear of losing my brother.
Jessica’s Apology: Jessica also apologized for her initial dismissal of my concerns, explaining that she didn’t perceive my brother as a threat and believed she could handle any situation that arose.

Despite these revelations, my mother expressed her unwillingness to change her approach, insisting that she was close to a breakthrough with my brother. She asked me to “work on my emotions” and promised that we could address the situation once he was “cured.”

Conflict Escalation: Jessica became upset on my behalf, confronting my mother about her favoritism and the impact it had on our family dynamics. This confrontation led to my mother leaving to stay with her ex-husband and my brother, further complicating the family drama.
Jessica’s Support: During this tumultuous time, I stayed with Jessica, who provided unwavering support. We bonded over shared experiences, and she consistently checked in on my well-being.

As we navigated this challenging period, Jessica surprised me with a heartfelt gesture. She presented me with adoption paperwork, expressing her desire to adopt me as a graduation gift. This moment was incredibly emotional for me, especially considering my complicated relationship with my biological father.

Acceptance and Joy: I accepted her offer, and we celebrated with tears and laughter, solidifying our bond. This experience has brought me a sense of belonging that I had longed for.

Since returning to campus, my mother has only reached out once, requesting space to think. I chose not to respond, focusing instead on my studies and future opportunities. I discovered organizations related to my career that offer internships with stipends, allowing me to rebuild my savings.

Overall, I feel more at peace and ready to graduate. I appreciate the encouragement and advice from those who supported me through this journey, even the tough love, which proved to be beneficial.

TL;DR: My mother acknowledges her mistakes but refuses to change. Jessica defended me, leading to my mother moving in with her ex-husband and brother. I am getting adopted by Jessica!

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Welp, it’s been 2 weeks since I left back to campus, and it has come with some good and bad things. Thanks to many of the people who commented and DM’d me, I was able to come up with a game plan to 1. talk with my mom and Jessica about my brother and 2. find resources to permanently stay away if things go south.

About a week and a half ago, I sat down with mom and Jessica to fully explain everything I was feeling. I told her about how I felt that she still saw him as her baby and wasn’t taking him seriously. I also mentioned that now, since he’s decided to keep living with his dad, she wants to do everything she criticized his dad for doing.

I told her that I thought her reaction to my brother put us in jeopardy and that her actions likely had much to do with her unresolved trauma with her own parents and her resentment for how her mother treated her in comparison to her brother. To be fair, she didn’t reject the claim. She fully owned up to it.

She said that over time, she recognized the signs but didn’t know how to stop because she didn’t want to lose him forever. She felt that if she didn’t do it this way, she would just end up becoming everything her mom said she would be as a parent. Jessica spoke after and apologized for her initial reaction to my feelings and for not taking my concerns seriously when I first brought them up.

She said that for her part, she just didn’t see him as a threat and reasoned that if push came to shove, she would defend the household and herself by whatever means necessary if he attempted anything, so she just assumed I felt the same way. I thought with these new revelations, we would be on our way to finding a better way forward in managing a relationship with my brother. But then my mother put a stop to all of that; she doesn’t want to change.

She reasons that she’s close to a breakthrough with him and doesn’t want to change things since she feels that would hinder any progress. She asked me to just “work on my emotions” and “promised” that once he was cured, we could go from there. At that, Jessica got angry with mom on my behalf.

She laid into my mom, saying that she had two children, not just one, and it is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate to expect one child to “make do” just so she could maintain a failing relationship with her other child, who, at the end of the day, caused the consequences he’s in now. She said, and I quote, “You keep babying that boy and then wonder why he has no respect for you,” which led to my mom crying and leaving to go stay with, surprise, surprise, her ex-husband, my stepdad, and my brother.

My mom left her disabled wife to go stay with her ex-husband and brother in the house they used to share. Jessica is understandably upset, as they have been having problems for a while now, and this might just be the nail in the coffin. Since she left, she hasn’t answered anyone’s calls, neither has my brother or stepdad.

I stayed with Jessica until the last day before classes. During that period, I think Jessica and I bonded even further. We already got along pretty well, but I think for the first time, I understood what it was like to have someone have your back.

Even while she was hurting, she kept checking in with me to make sure I was handling everything okay and that I had everything prepared for the semester. I made sure to spend as much time as possible since she doesn’t have a lot of family around. We’ve even been playing on repeat a certain rapper who performed at the Super Bowl this year; she’s become a certified fan since the beef started, lol.

Before I left, she gave me some paperwork. She said that this was supposed to be a graduation present for me, but in light of recent events, she doesn’t know what will happen in the future and asked to adopt me. I can’t begin to explain the wave of emotions that came over me.

My own father didn’t want me, and my stepdad literally said, “I’d change my name when I get married anyway, what’s the point?” So the fact that this woman, even with all the challenges that have happened over the last few years, chose me is incredible. Needless to say, I said yes, and we both bawled like babies and watched The Wiz back to back.

Since I’ve been on campus, my mom has only sent one message saying she needs time to think and needs space. I didn’t respond; I just muted her notification. While on campus, I found some organizations that work within my career field that also offer internships that come with stipends and full-time work contracts upon successful completion of the program.

My case looks like it will be wrapping up soon, which will let me start working again so I can build back up my savings. Other than that, I guess I’m good. I’m definitely in a better headspace and just ready to graduate.

Thanks to everyone who gave me words of encouragement and advice. Even the harshest ones helped; sometimes tough love is needed.

TL;DR: Mom knows what she did was wrong but doesn’t want to change. Jessica got mad, and now mom is staying with her ex-husband and my brother. I’m getting adopted!!

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate strong support for Jessica and the OP, emphasizing the importance of self-protection and the positive impact of Jessica’s presence in their life. Many users express relief that the OP is distancing themselves from their mother and brother, suggesting that this separation may ultimately lead to a healthier environment. Overall, the comments reflect a consensus that the OP’s situation is improving, despite the challenges posed by their family dynamics.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when unresolved issues and emotional attachments are involved. Here are some practical steps to help navigate the ongoing conflict while fostering healing and understanding on both sides.

For the OP and Jessica

Continue Open Communication: Maintain an open line of communication with Jessica. Share your feelings and thoughts regularly, as this will strengthen your bond and provide mutual support.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. This may involve limiting contact with your mother and brother until you feel ready to engage with them again.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as hobbies, exercise, or spending time with supportive friends.
Seek Professional Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings and provide strategies for coping with family dynamics.
Celebrate Your Achievements: Embrace the positive changes in your life, such as your upcoming adoption and academic successes. Acknowledge these milestones as they contribute to your sense of belonging and self-worth.

For Your Mother

Encourage Reflection: If possible, encourage your mother to reflect on her actions and the impact they have on the family. This could be done through a letter or a calm conversation when the time feels right.
Suggest Professional Help: Gently suggest that she consider therapy to address her unresolved issues. This could help her understand her behavior and its effects on her relationships.
Promote Healthy Communication: When she is ready, encourage open discussions about feelings and concerns without defensiveness. This can help rebuild trust and understanding.
Be Patient: Change takes time. If your mother expresses a desire to improve, be patient as she navigates her journey. However, prioritize your own well-being in the process.

For Your Brother

Encourage Accountability: If appropriate, encourage your brother to take responsibility for his actions. This may involve having a candid conversation about how his behavior affects others.
Promote Support Systems: Suggest that he seek support from friends, mentors, or professionals who can help him address his issues constructively.
Set Boundaries: Just as with your mother, establish boundaries with your brother to protect your emotional health. This may involve limiting interactions until he shows a willingness to change.

Conclusion

Conflict resolution within families is often a gradual process that requires patience, empathy, and understanding from all parties involved. By focusing on self-care, open communication, and encouraging positive change, you can navigate this challenging situation while fostering healthier relationships in the future.