UPDATE: my mom ended our relationship and changed her mind a few hours later

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When Family Ties Become Toxic

In a heart-wrenching struggle for autonomy and respect, a person grapples with their mother’s refusal to acknowledge boundaries after a tumultuous relationship. Despite repeated attempts to communicate, the mother insists on her perspective, leading to a painful realization that the relationship may be irreparable. This story resonates with anyone who has faced the challenge of setting boundaries with family, highlighting the complexities of love, hurt, and the quest for self-preservation. Can one truly heal when the ties that bind are also the ones that hurt?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Difficult Decision

In a recent family drama, a person faced significant tension with their mother regarding unresolved issues from their past. The conflict escalated over several weeks, leading to a critical decision point. Here’s a summary of the situation:

Background: The individual had been holding firm on their decision not to accept their mother’s attempts to reconcile after a tumultuous relationship marked by past abuse.
Mother’s Actions: The mother reached out multiple times, suggesting drastic measures, including consulting a lawyer about obtaining a restraining order against the individual’s childhood abuser. She insisted that she would not proceed without the individual’s approval.
Communication Breakdown: The mother expressed her belief that every situation has three perspectives: hers, the individual’s, and the objective truth. She argued that the individual needed to consider her feelings regarding past hurts and boundaries.
Response: After much deliberation, the individual decided to respond, emphasizing the loss of trust due to the mother’s previous decision to end their relationship. They proposed two potential paths for moving forward:

Engaging in family therapy.
Minimizing contact to just one brunch a year, avoiding family dinners and holiday gatherings.

Boundary Discussion: The individual reiterated their right to have personal boundaries, stating that while the mother could ask questions about them, pushing against these boundaries would result in reduced access to the individual.

Mother’s Reaction: The mother responded with an extensive message, attempting to address each point made by the individual. However, her responses often included confusion about the individual’s feelings and experiences, despite previous discussions on the same topics.

Turning Point: This lengthy response marked a significant turning point for the individual, who began to accept that the relationship might not be salvageable. Support from online communities helped affirm their feelings.

Final Decision: After taking time to reflect, the individual decided to formally end the relationship. They communicated that the mother did not understand the concept of boundaries and that it was no longer worth the effort to explain their pain. They concluded with a poignant statement about the absence of a caring mother figure in their life, expressing that they would no longer reserve that space for someone who had not earned it.

This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, the challenges of conflict resolution, and the importance of setting and respecting personal boundaries. The individual’s journey reflects a painful but necessary step towards prioritizing their own well-being amidst wedding tension and familial expectations.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

Over the last few weeks, I was holding strong in my decision not to accept her takesies-backsies. She messaged me several more times since then, each time with some unhinged prospect that made it harder to not respond. She had decided to speak to her lawyer and strategize without me at length about whether or not they could get me a restraining order against my childhood abuser.

She said she wouldn’t move forward until I okayed it and followed up a week later. She added a big ol’ spiel about how, if we were to keep trying to work things out, she thought I needed to consider that every event has three points of view: mine, hers, and what really happened. She also mentioned that I needed to consider her point of view about the times she has hurt me.

She went on a bit of a rant about boundaries, saying that I can have personal boundaries that affect only me, but that it’s not okay for me to have boundaries that she has to abide by in order to have a relationship with me. She seems to think that we need to mutually agree to my boundaries, and that if she doesn’t agree, she doesn’t have to respect them because it would make her feel unsafe in the relationship.

I broke down and responded. Nothing too long. I said, “Hey, don’t go talking to a lawyer about my situation without me there.”

I told her that her earlier decision to end the relationship and then do takesies-backsies resulted in a loss of trust in her. I told her I was not willing to continue the back-and-forth messages because it wasn’t working and suggested two ways forward: 1. family therapy, 2. give up on resolution and go to minimum contact—one brunch a year for a catch-up, no family dinners or holiday invites.

I said she could pick either or none, but I wasn’t willing to keep doing what we’ve been doing. I also responded to her rant about boundaries. I have boundaries regardless of whether or not she likes them, and she can ask questions about them to understand if she doesn’t agree, but pushing them results in me reducing or taking away her access to me.

She responded on the 23rd, with perfect timing to blow up the family right before Christmas. She wrote a freakin’ novel, responding to a dozen of my earlier messages plus my most recent one, sentence by sentence. She would copy and paste a sentence of one of my messages, then respond to it over and over.

I haven’t seen anything like it before, and I don’t know what she hoped to actually accomplish. Most of her responses were, “I don’t know how I have hurt you,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “I don’t understand.” But a lot of these things were explained at other points in the same message, or we had talked about them earlier, so what the hell?

Receiving that message was a firm turning point for me. I’ve had several points in the last year when I’ve thought this would be the end and had started to accept that there was no real relationship for us. A key one was the unanimous response to my previous post, so THANK YOU Reddit for affirming my experience and supporting me.

I took a couple of days and responded yesterday so that she wouldn’t be able to blow up Christmas Day when the rest of my family would be with her. I was, of course, not at her Christmas. I told her I’m giving up.

That she doesn’t understand what boundaries are or how they function in healthy, respectful relationships. I told her that it’s not worth it for me to keep explaining my pain just for her to act like I’m keeping her in the dark. I wrote a paragraph about the types of ways she has hurt me.

I thought y’all might like the final paragraph, in which I am absolutely being unkind, but I don’t regret this one:

It feels like I have a gaping hole in my life where a caring mother is supposed to be, and instead, it’s just you. There are people in my life who are far more deserving of that space, and I’m no longer willing to reserve it for someone who hasn’t earned it and isn’t willing to set aside their ego for the sake of their relationship with their child.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments emphasize the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing one’s own mental health over toxic relationships. Users strongly advocate for the original poster (OP) to block their mother and focus on nurturing healthier connections, highlighting that it is not OP’s responsibility to manage their mother’s emotional issues. Overall, the consensus is that going no contact (NC) is a necessary step for OP’s well-being.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family conflicts, especially those rooted in past trauma, can be incredibly challenging to navigate. It’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and a focus on personal well-being. Here are some practical steps for both the individual and the mother to consider in resolving their conflict:

For the Individual

Reflect on Your Needs: Take time to assess what you truly want from this relationship. Consider your emotional needs and boundaries, and be clear about them.
Communicate Clearly: If you choose to engage, express your feelings and boundaries in a calm and clear manner. Use “I” statements to convey your experiences without placing blame.
Seek Professional Support: Consider engaging a therapist or counselor who specializes in family dynamics. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate this difficult relationship.
Establish Boundaries: Be firm about your boundaries. If your mother continues to push against them, it may be necessary to limit or cut off contact for your mental health.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize activities and relationships that nurture your well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends and communities that affirm your feelings.

For the Mother

Practice Active Listening: Make an effort to truly understand your child’s feelings and experiences. Acknowledge their pain without trying to justify your actions or feelings.
Respect Boundaries: Accept the boundaries set by your child. Understand that pushing against these boundaries can further damage the relationship.
Seek Professional Help: Consider attending therapy to work through your own feelings and behaviors. A professional can help you understand the impact of your actions on your child.
Communicate Openly: If your child is open to it, engage in honest conversations about the past. Be willing to apologize for any hurt caused and express a genuine desire to improve the relationship.
Be Patient: Understand that rebuilding trust takes time. Allow your child the space they need to heal and decide what they want from the relationship.

Ultimately, both parties must prioritize their mental health and well-being. While it may be painful, sometimes the best decision is to step back from a relationship that is not healthy. Open communication, respect for boundaries, and a willingness to seek help can pave the way for healing, whether that means reconciliation or acceptance of a new dynamic.