AITA for not paying my dad back after he technically owes me tens of thousands?

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When Family Ties Are Tested by Betrayal

In a heart-wrenching tale of familial betrayal, a woman grapples with the emotional fallout of her father’s infidelity and the financial scars it left behind. After discovering that her father not only cheated on her mother but also squandered her college fund, she struggles with the complexities of their relationship, especially when he demands repayment for a loan that feels trivial compared to the debt of trust he owes her. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the murky waters of family loyalty and the impact of past wounds on present relationships. Can she find a way to reconcile her feelings while standing her ground?

Family Drama and Conflict Resolution: A Daughter’s Dilemma

In a complex family situation, a 29-year-old woman finds herself grappling with unresolved issues stemming from her father’s past actions. The following points outline the key elements of the story:

Background: The woman’s father, aged 60, had an affair that led to the dissolution of his marriage. He created another family and misused the college fund that her mother had saved for her since birth.
Discovery of Infidelity: The mother discovered the affair when the daughter was around 15 years old, which resulted in significant emotional turmoil for the family.
Father’s Diagnosis: The father was diagnosed as a narcissist, a fact that has never been openly discussed with the daughter. He has not offered a direct apology for his actions, leading to a strained relationship.
Current Relationship: The daughter maintains emotional distance from her father, despite his attempts to connect. She feels a wall between them due to the unresolved issues from the past.
Financial Conflict: Last year, during a period of unemployment, the father lent the daughter $300. Recently, he claimed that the amount was actually $800, based on his wife’s assertion.
Receipt Evidence: The daughter provided a receipt confirming the loan was only $300, which has led to further tension between them.
Father’s Expectations: The father insists that a year has passed and that the daughter needs to learn about responsibility, implying that she should repay the amount he claims is owed.
Daughter’s Perspective: The daughter feels conflicted about repaying the money, considering the emotional and financial debts stemming from her father’s past actions. She questions whether she would be in the wrong if she chose not to repay him.

As the daughter navigates this family drama, she seeks advice on how to handle the situation. The conflict resolution process involves weighing her father’s demands against the backdrop of their complicated relationship and the emotional scars left by his past behavior. Ultimately, she must decide how to approach the repayment issue while considering her own feelings of responsibility and the history that has shaped their interactions.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

For context, my dad, 60M, cheated on my mom, had another family, and spent the college fund my mom had been saving for me since birth on the other woman. That’s actually how my mom figured out he was cheating when I, 29F, was around 15 years old. He was diagnosed as a narcissist and never talked about it with me; he never directly apologized.

We sort of act like it’s never happened. He’s not emotionally open; he wants to be close to me, but I have a wall up. Last year, when I was unemployed, he lent me 300.

The other day, he called me saying that his wife told him it was actually 800. I sent him the receipt showing it was 300. But honestly, I’m just sitting here like it’s 300, you’re my dad, and you technically owe me tens of thousands.

Would I be the asshole if I just didn’t pay him back? He says a year is too long and I need to learn about responsibility. What should I tell him?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the father is at fault for his financial irresponsibility and manipulation. Many users emphasize that he should be held accountable for the money he took, with suggestions for the OP to creatively manage any repayments while ensuring they are not financially burdened. Overall, the comments reflect a belief that the father needs to learn responsibility and that the OP should not feel obligated to repay him without addressing the larger issue of the stolen funds.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially when past grievances are involved, can be incredibly challenging. In this situation, it’s essential to approach the conflict with empathy and a clear understanding of both sides. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict between the daughter and her father:

Steps for the Daughter

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding your father’s actions and the impact they have had on your life. Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help clarify your thoughts.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you are comfortable with regarding communication and financial matters. This will help you maintain emotional distance while still engaging with your father.
Communicate Openly: If you feel ready, consider having a candid conversation with your father. Express how his past actions have affected you and your current feelings about the loan repayment. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
Negotiate Repayment Terms: If you decide to repay the loan, propose a repayment plan that feels manageable for you. This could involve paying back the confirmed amount of $300 or negotiating a smaller amount if you feel uncomfortable with the financial burden.
Seek Support: Engage with trusted friends or family members who can provide emotional support and perspective as you navigate this situation.

Steps for the Father

Reflect on Past Actions: Acknowledge the impact of your past decisions on your daughter. Understanding her perspective can help you approach the situation with more empathy.
Apologize Sincerely: If you haven’t already, consider offering a genuine apology for the past actions that hurt your daughter. This can help rebuild trust and open the door for better communication.
Be Open to Feedback: Listen to your daughter’s feelings without becoming defensive. Acknowledge her emotions and validate her experiences, even if they are difficult to hear.
Clarify Financial Expectations: Be transparent about the loan and your expectations. If you believe the amount is different, provide evidence and be willing to discuss it calmly.
Work on Personal Growth: Consider seeking therapy or counseling to address your narcissistic tendencies and improve your relationships with family members.

Conclusion

Resolving family conflicts, especially those rooted in past trauma, requires patience and understanding from both sides. By taking these steps, both the daughter and father can work towards a healthier relationship, addressing financial issues while also acknowledging the emotional scars that need healing. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being as you navigate this complex situation.

Join the Discussion

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