AITA for calling my friends “every pony?”

A Disrespectful Pony or a Misunderstood Greeting?

In a lighthearted attempt to connect with her diverse friend group, a woman finds herself at the center of a heated debate over gender identity and language. After playfully greeting her friends with “every pony,” she inadvertently triggers a strong reaction from one friend, Tom, who feels disrespected by the term. As tensions rise and the party atmosphere shifts, the group grapples with the complexities of language, identity, and the fine line between humor and offense. This relatable scenario highlights the challenges many face in navigating modern social dynamics and the importance of communication in friendships.

Family Drama Over a Playful Greeting

A 32-year-old woman shares her experience with a conflict in her friend group that escalated over a seemingly innocent greeting. The situation highlights issues of gender identity and communication, leading to wedding tension among friends.

The woman has a diverse group of friends, often using casual greetings like “hey guys” or “hey dudes.”
She occasionally used “hey girls,” which upset one friend, Tom, who identifies as male. To respect his feelings, she stopped using that greeting in his presence.
Despite Tom’s discomfort, other friends did not express any issues with her greetings.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, she began using “every pony,” inspired by the show My Little Pony, which many friends found amusing.
During a party, she greeted everyone with “What’s up every pony?” but Tom reacted explosively, shouting, “I’M NOT A PONY!!” and stormed out.
Confused by his reaction, she questioned him about it, which may have contributed to the tension.
Tom accused her of disrespecting his identity and left the party, leaving the atmosphere sour.
Later, he sent a lengthy message in their group chat, expressing his frustration about feeling disrespected and asserting his identity as a man.
In response, she suggested that he could have addressed the issue calmly instead of reacting so intensely.
She pointed out the inconsistency in his use of “guys” and “dude,” which he claimed were gender-neutral, while dismissing her playful greeting.
Despite agreeing to stop using “every pony,” she felt frustrated by Tom’s reaction and the ongoing tension in the group.

The situation has left her feeling conflicted about her role in the drama, questioning whether she is the one at fault for the fallout over a lighthearted reference. The group dynamic now feels strained, and she wonders how to navigate the conflict resolution process moving forward.

This is Original story from Reddit

Story

Using a throwaway reddit account but this situation is so specific so if one of my friends sees this, hi.

I’m a 32-year-old woman. I have a good set of diverse friends, with a good mix between various genders. Oftentimes in this friend group, people will say “hey guys” or “hey dudes,” which most of the time I’m fine with.

However, a few times I have said “hey girls,” and one person in the group, let’s call him Tom, has gotten very angry at this. He was mad because he is not a girl, and wanting to respect his gender identity, I have not used that greeting when he was there. No other friend seemed to have an issue with it, but I’m also not the best at reading social cues; since people say “hey guys” and “hey dudes,” I figured they were fine with it.

Recently, though, I have started saying “every pony” because I remembered My Little Pony exists, and I thought it would be a funny throwback. This caught on with a lot of my friends in the group because they found it funny too. Tom sometimes would go “I’m not a pony!”, but I didn’t think he cared that much.

However, one night at a party, I had arrived and said “What’s up every pony?” and this time Tom immediately blew up and screamed “I’M NOT A PONY!!” and stormed out of the room. Everyone was kind of confused. Tom then emerged with his coat and said he was leaving because he’s not going to take this disrespect.

We were all confused, and I asked him why he was having such an intense reaction, which may have made me the asshole here instead of just saying “I won’t say every pony anymore,” but honestly, I was wondering why he was having such an issue with this.

Tom got mad and said that he’s tired of being disrespected. Tom walked out of the apartment and slammed the door. The mood of the party was pretty soured by then, and I apologized to the host, who didn’t really say much.

It was a tense evening. Later that night, Tom dropped a really long message in our group chat about how he’s tired of having his identity as a man disrespected, and he’s a human, not a horse, and definitely not a girl. I replied in the group chat that he could have approached this calmly and seriously brought the issue up, and we would have solved it.

Then, I asked him why he thought it was okay for him to call everyone “guys” if we couldn’t use a playful and fun gender-neutral greeting. Tom said it was different, that “guys” and “dude” are gender-neutral. No one else in the group chat really said anything.

I said that I’d stop saying “every pony,” but that “guy” and “dude” are not gender-neutral and he needs to check his biases. Now, the air seems really tense. I feel stupid for starting this, but really angry at Tom for blowing up like this.

My friend group seems to be in shambles because of a stupid My Little Pony reference. AITA?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that Tom’s reaction to being referred to in a gender-neutral way is rooted in his insecurities and fragile masculinity. Many users express that terms like “dude” and “guys” are often perceived as male-centric, and they support the idea of using more inclusive language, such as “everypony.” Overall, commenters suggest that Tom’s issues are not the responsibility of the original poster (OP), and they advocate for a light-hearted approach to the situation.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Conflict in friendships can be challenging, especially when it involves sensitive topics like gender identity and communication styles. Here are some practical steps for both the original poster (OP) and Tom to navigate this situation and work towards resolution:

For the Original Poster (OP)

Reflect on Intentions: Take a moment to consider your intentions behind using playful greetings. Acknowledge that humor can sometimes be misinterpreted, especially in diverse groups.
Reach Out to Tom: Initiate a private conversation with Tom. Express that you value his friendship and want to understand his feelings better. Approach the conversation with empathy and an open mind.
Apologize if Necessary: If you feel that your greeting hurt Tom, a sincere apology can go a long way. Acknowledge his feelings without dismissing them, even if you didn’t intend to offend.
Discuss Language Preferences: Use this opportunity to discuss language preferences openly. Ask Tom how he feels about different greetings and share your perspective on inclusive language.
Suggest a Group Discussion: If appropriate, propose a light-hearted group discussion about language and greetings. This can help clear the air and foster understanding among all friends.

For Tom

Self-Reflect: Take some time to reflect on why the greeting affected you so strongly. Understanding your own feelings can help you communicate them more effectively.
Communicate Calmly: When discussing your feelings with OP, aim for a calm and constructive conversation. Express your discomfort without resorting to anger or accusations.
Consider the Context: Recognize that OP’s use of “every pony” was intended as a playful and inclusive gesture. Try to see the humor in it, even if it doesn’t resonate with you personally.
Be Open to Feedback: Be willing to listen to OP’s perspective. Acknowledge that language can be fluid and that different people may have different interpretations.
Seek Support if Needed: If you find it difficult to navigate these feelings, consider talking to a trusted friend or a professional who can help you process your emotions.

Ultimately, both OP and Tom can benefit from open communication and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives. By addressing the situation with empathy and respect, they can work towards restoring harmony in their friendship and group dynamic.

Join the Discussion

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