AITA for telling my husband I want a divorce.

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Is It Time to Say Goodbye?

After 18 years of marriage, a woman grapples with the decision to divorce her husband, feeling more like a single mother than a partner. Following a life-altering accident that left her recovering at home, she discovers her husband’s lack of support and questionable spending habits, which only deepen her sense of isolation. As she navigates the complexities of their relationship, including his infidelity and her own struggles with recovery, she questions whether her desire for a divorce is justified or a result of her changed circumstances. This story resonates with anyone who has felt unappreciated in a relationship, raising thought-provoking questions about partnership, support, and personal growth.

Am I the Asshole for Wanting a Divorce?

After 18 years of marriage, I have reached a breaking point and told my husband that I want a divorce. Here’s a summary of the situation:

Background: A few years ago, I suffered a severe accident that resulted in multiple spinal fractures. During my recovery, I discovered that my husband was paying for porn while I was unable to work and we were relying on my worker’s compensation.
Household Responsibilities: While I was on bed rest, I had to order groceries because my husband claimed he couldn’t do it. My children had to step in to ensure I was eating and getting out of bed.
Job Situation: My husband refused to look for work during my recovery, which added to my frustration. I eventually applied for a job on his behalf without telling him, and he was hired. However, he took on a second job that was unnecessary, leaving little time for family.
Feeling Alone: As he worked excessively, I became accustomed to being alone. I felt it was unfair that I had paid for him to go on a trip to Las Vegas, while he never planned a trip for us despite my requests.
Attempts at Connection: I expressed the need for quality time together, but he failed to take action. This lack of effort led me to decide on divorce.
Recent Developments: After consulting a lawyer, I informed him of my decision. He promised to improve, but it was difficult for me to feel happy after being alone for so long.
Emotional Distance: I have become emotionally closed off, especially since he has cheated in the past. He now claims that my behavior is a result of my head injury, influenced by a family member who dislikes me.
Feeling Disrespected: I feel like a single mother despite being married and am tired of being treated as unimportant. I have five children, not four, and I am exhausted from the family drama and conflict resolution attempts that have gone nowhere.

In light of these circumstances, I am left questioning whether I am the one at fault for wanting a divorce. Am I the asshole for wanting to end this marriage?

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

Sorry for the long post. I have been married for 18 years. I told my husband I want a divorce.

I am tired of doing everything and feel like I don’t have a partner. Backstory: A few years ago, I had a bad accident to the point of fracturing my spinal cord in 5 places. During recovery, I found out he was paying for porn.

I do not have an issue with him watching, but paying, yes. He was not working; we were surviving off my worker’s comp. While on bed rest, I had to order groceries because he said he couldn’t do it.

That was more money we could have saved. I think he cooked the first 3 days. After that, my kids were the ones to make sure I ate.

My kids helped me get in and out of bed. If my oldest children were gone to work or school, I had to order food to make sure my kids and I ate. My recovery took a very long time.

I am not back to normal; I can’t do things I did before. During this time, my husband refused to look for a job. So I was not happy at all.

I pushed myself to try to get back to my old position because we needed the money. But I ended up hurting myself more. I put in an application for a job for him and didn’t tell him.

They called him, and he got the job. But then he also picked up a second job by choice; he didn’t need it. So he worked so much that there was no time for family.

He didn’t even have time to sleep. I got used to being alone. Now I think it is dumb that I paid for him to go to Las Vegas.

I told him if I do it, he has to plan a trip for us. I did this to see if he would take the time to do it. I planned everything for us our whole marriage.

Well, he didn’t do it, so I told him one more time we need our time together. He said, “I know,” but then doesn’t do it. That’s when I made the choice to divorce him.

I didn’t tell him until after I spoke to a lawyer. He said he would do better. Around this time, the second job closed down, so he was home.

But it was very hard for me to be all happy and open because I was alone for so long—over a year—while he was doing the two jobs. The second job was not needed.

The second job money was his play money, only used if we were short on something. I didn’t even want sex. No, I wasn’t cheating.

But he has cheated many times in our marriage. So, I have become closed off and now refuse to accept his old behavior. He tells me I changed and that I am only acting like this because I had a head injury in the accident, and he says that has changed me.

This has only been said after he talked to a family member on his side that doesn’t like me. So now I am a miserable person with a head injury that has changed me. I am tired of being treated like I’m not important.

Being disrespected and made a single mother while married is exhausting. I had 5 kids, not 4. So, am I the asshole for telling my husband I want a divorce?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments strongly support the notion that the original poster (OP) is not the asshole (NTA) for considering divorce from her unsupportive husband. Users emphasize that his lack of support during her recovery, coupled with his infidelity and selfish behavior, justifies her decision to prioritize her own happiness and well-being. Many commenters encourage OP to move on and reclaim her life, highlighting that staying in the relationship would only lead to further unhappiness.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

It’s clear that the situation has caused significant emotional distress for both you and your husband. Navigating a potential divorce is never easy, and it’s important to approach this with care and consideration for both parties involved. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict:

Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your feelings and needs. Consider what you truly want moving forward, whether that’s a divorce or a renewed commitment to the marriage. Journaling your thoughts can help clarify your emotions.
Open Communication: If you feel comfortable, have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Share your experiences during your recovery and how his actions affected you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame, such as “I felt alone when I needed support.”
Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy to facilitate discussions in a safe environment. A professional can help both of you understand each other’s perspectives and work through unresolved issues.
Set Boundaries: If you decide to stay in the marriage, establish clear boundaries regarding responsibilities and emotional support. Discuss what you need from him to feel valued and respected in the relationship.
Evaluate Changes: If your husband expresses a desire to change, give it time to see if he follows through. Monitor his actions rather than just his words. Change takes time, and it’s important to assess whether his efforts are genuine.
Prioritize Your Well-Being: Regardless of the outcome, prioritize your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether that’s spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or focusing on self-care.
Consider Legal Advice: If you lean towards divorce, consult with a lawyer to understand your rights and options. This will help you make informed decisions about your future and ensure that you are protected legally and financially.
Support System: Lean on friends, family, or support groups for emotional support. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide comfort and perspective during this challenging time.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is deeply personal. It’s essential to prioritize your happiness and well-being, and to make choices that align with your values and needs. Remember, you deserve a supportive and loving partnership.

Join the Discussion

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