AITA, My S/O asked me to co-sign a loan and I said yes but… Now she is saying I’m unsupportive and unfair.

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Financial Trust or Control? A Couple’s Heated Debate

In a long-term relationship, a significant other asks for help co-signing a hefty loan to consolidate debts, but when conditions are proposed to ensure financial security, tensions rise. The request for transparency and mutual agreement on fund withdrawals sparks a fierce argument, leading to questions about trust and support in their partnership. This relatable dilemma highlights the complexities of managing finances in a relationship, especially when past debts and future plans intertwine. Can setting boundaries in financial matters be seen as controlling, or is it a necessary step for mutual security?

Family Drama Over Loan Co-Signing: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma

In a recent situation involving a significant loan request, a couple faced considerable tension that raised questions about fairness and support. Here’s a breakdown of the events leading to the heated argument:

Loan Request: The significant other (SO) asked the narrator to co-sign a Home Equity Line of Credit (HELOC) ranging from $100,000 to $150,000 to consolidate her debts.
Past Support: The narrator had previously received support from the SO, who co-signed a loan for $15,000 to help with their own debts.
Relationship Background: The couple has been together for about 10 years, sharing a child and some expenses, but they maintain separate finances.

As the discussion progressed, the narrator expressed concerns and proposed conditions for co-signing:

Written Agreement: The narrator requested a written agreement detailing the loan amount and the SO’s income-to-debt ratio, which the SO initially found demeaning but eventually complied with.
Future Plans: The SO mentioned plans to sell an investment property within five years to pay off the loan, which the narrator wanted included in the agreement.
Life Insurance Policy: The SO agreed to make the narrator a beneficiary on her life insurance policy, adding a layer of security to the arrangement.

However, conflict arose over the loan amount and withdrawal conditions:

Debt Amounts: The narrator calculated that the SO could comfortably manage debts totaling around $105,000 to $110,000, but she wanted to request $150,000 to avoid maxing out the credit line.
Withdrawal Clause: The narrator included a clause stating that no money could be withdrawn without both parties’ approval, which the SO deemed unfair and a dealbreaker.
Support Concerns: The SO felt that the narrator’s request for mutual approval was a lack of support, stating she would never impose such conditions on him.

As the argument escalated, the narrator found themselves questioning their stance:

Seeking Perspective: The narrator turned to online communities for insight, wondering if their insistence on conditions made them the “asshole” in this family drama.
Financial Boundaries: The situation highlights the complexities of financial agreements in relationships, especially when past support and future plans are involved.

Ultimately, this conflict raises important questions about trust, support, and the need for clear communication in financial matters, especially in the context of wedding tension and family dynamics.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

So I got into a pretty heated argument with my SO and am seriously questioning if I am the AH? About two weeks ago, my significant other asked me to co-sign for a pretty significant loan, between 100-150k HELOC against her house so that she could consolidate her debts. She has helped me consolidate my debts, 15-20k, by co-signing in the past, so, of course, I said yes.

Some general background info: We’ve been together for about 10 years and have a pretty good relationship despite some financial disagreements. Due to that, we have not combined our finances, and she pays her bills while I pay mine. We do share some expenses, as we have a child together and we live in my house.

This is where things get difficult. While I agreed to co-sign, I had some conditions. I requested that we write down what we were agreeing to and how much we’d be borrowing.

I asked her to spell out her income to debt, as I have an idea but don’t really know her finances. She said it was demeaning to her to make her list them out; however, she did it. Then we talked about some what-if scenarios, and ultimately, she said that her plan was to sell an investment property within the next five years to pay off the loan.

I didn’t make that a condition; she offered it, so I wanted to write that in the agreement. Additionally, she agreed to make me a beneficiary on a life insurance policy should anything happen to her. After looking at everything, I felt she would be able to comfortably pay the note and her regular bills.

Ultimately, it would be about 105-110k in debts. However, she wanted to ask for 150k so that she wasn’t maxing out the line of credit. So as I wrote up the agreement, I included the sentence, “No money can be withdrawn without both parties’ approval.” That was just too much for her, and she said it was a non-starter and completely unfair.

It was her house, and she would be paying back the loan. I offered to write down all the debts we’d discussed to be included so the 110k would be included automatically. She said she would never ask that of me and I wasn’t supporting her by including that.

So here I am asking for internet strangers to shed some perspective… am I the AH?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus against co-signing the loan, primarily due to the significant amount of debt the significant other already carries and the potential financial risks involved. Many users express concern that co-signing could lead to serious financial repercussions for the commenter, especially given the significant disparity between the amounts of debt involved and the lack of legal protections in their relationship. Overall, the comments suggest that prioritizing financial security is crucial in this situation.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of financial agreements within a relationship, it’s essential to approach the situation with empathy and clear communication. Here are practical steps for both parties to consider in resolving the conflict over the loan co-signing:

For the Narrator

Reassess Financial Boundaries: Take time to evaluate your financial limits and comfort levels regarding co-signing. Consider the potential risks involved and how they may impact your financial future.
Open Dialogue: Initiate a calm conversation with your significant other about your concerns. Express your feelings without placing blame, focusing on the importance of financial security for both of you.
Explore Alternatives: Suggest exploring other options for debt consolidation that do not involve co-signing, such as personal loans or credit counseling services. This can alleviate some pressure and provide a sense of independence.
Seek Professional Guidance: Consider consulting a financial advisor or counselor who can provide insights into the implications of co-signing and help both of you understand the best path forward.

For the Significant Other

Understand Concerns: Acknowledge the narrator’s concerns about co-signing and the potential risks involved. Try to see the situation from their perspective and validate their feelings.
Be Open to Compromise: Consider the narrator’s requests for a written agreement and mutual approval for withdrawals as reasonable safeguards. Discuss how these conditions can be adjusted to make both parties feel secure.
Clarify Future Plans: Provide more details about your plans to sell the investment property and how that will impact the loan repayment. Transparency can help build trust and alleviate concerns.
Explore Financial Education: Engage in discussions about financial literacy together. This can help both of you understand the implications of debt and co-signing, fostering a more informed decision-making process.

Joint Steps Forward

Set a Meeting: Schedule a dedicated time to discuss the loan request and financial concerns without distractions. This shows commitment to resolving the issue together.
Draft a Written Agreement: If both parties agree to proceed with co-signing, create a detailed written agreement that outlines the loan terms, responsibilities, and conditions for withdrawal. This can provide clarity and security for both sides.
Regular Check-Ins: Establish a routine for discussing financial matters moving forward. Regular communication can help prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger partnership.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster a supportive environment where both partners feel heard and valued. By prioritizing open communication and mutual respect, you can navigate this financial dilemma together and strengthen your relationship in the process.

Join the Discussion

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What do you think? Would you have handled this differently?
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