WIBTA for refusing to continue my dad’s death wish, because of my mother’s will?

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Family Ties and Inheritance Woes

In a heart-wrenching tale of familial favoritism, a woman grapples with the emotional fallout of caring for her ailing mother while feeling overshadowed by her brother’s privileged status. After the death of their father, who had promised her the family home, she discovers that her mother plans to leave everything to her brother, igniting a conflict that challenges her sense of duty and loyalty. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated the complexities of family dynamics, especially when it comes to inheritance and the weight of promises made. Can she uphold her father’s dying wish while feeling betrayed by her mother’s choices?

Family Drama Over Inheritance: A Complicated Situation

A 40-year-old woman (40F) finds herself in a challenging position as the primary healthcare proxy for her 85-year-old mother (85F). The dynamics of their relationship have always been complicated, particularly due to perceived favoritism within the family.

Family Background: The woman grew up in a household where her parents had clear favorites: her brother (44M) was favored by their mother, while she was favored by their father.
Recent Loss: The death of her father last year at the age of 91 significantly impacted both her and her mother, leading to a decline in her mother’s health.
Taking Responsibility: Despite their complicated relationship, the woman stepped up to care for her mother, honoring her father’s last wish for her to look after her mother after his passing.

However, tension arose when the woman learned about her mother’s plans regarding her will:

Inheritance Concerns: A friend of her father’s revealed that the mother intended to leave the majority of her estate to the brother, including family heirlooms and the family home, which the father had wanted to pass on to the woman.
Feelings of Betrayal: The woman felt hurt and betrayed, especially since she had been the one providing care for her mother during a difficult year.

When confronted, the mother confirmed the will’s contents and justified her decision:

Justifications: The mother argued that her brother needed the larger family home for his growing family, while the woman, who has one daughter and is widowed, did not require such space.
Father’s Promise: The woman reminded her mother of their father’s promise regarding the family home, but the mother insisted that since the house was in her name, she had the right to decide its fate.

In an attempt to resolve the situation, the mother suggested that the woman ask her brother for his house, which the woman found impractical.

Conflict Resolution Dilemma: The woman is now torn between her feelings of betrayal and her commitment to her father’s wishes. She contemplates cutting off support for her mother and resigning as her healthcare proxy.
Financial Context: Despite the favoritism, the woman acknowledges that her father left her a significant amount of money for personal and medical care for her mother, while her brother received a smaller share.

Ultimately, the woman is left questioning whether she would be the “asshole” for wanting to withdraw her support due to her mother’s decisions regarding the will. The situation highlights the complexities of family drama, the challenges of conflict resolution, and the wedding tension that can arise from inheritance disputes.

This is Original story from Reddit

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Story

I 40F am the primary healthcare proxy for my mother 85F, and our relationship is complicated to say the least. Growing up, my parents have always had favorites between me and my brother 44M now. My brother was my mother’s favorite, and I was my dad’s favorite. And because of that, it sort of balanced out.

However, my dad passed away last year when he was 91, and it was a really difficult time for me and my mother. Especially since my mother’s health had declined a lot since my dad passed away. And despite how I wasn’t as close to my mother, I still decided to step up to take care of her.

Especially when my dad asked me to do so on his deathbed because he didn’t want my mother to be all alone after he passed away. However, recently, I heard from one of my dad’s friends about how my mother was planning on leaving almost everything behind for my brother in her will. How my brother was going to get the majority of the financial inheritance, all of the family heirlooms, and most importantly the family home that my father wanted to give to me, but decided not to do so because he didn’t want to make my mother homeless.

And that bothers me because not only have I been the one to take care of her for the last year, but also because this kind of blatant favoritism seemed far too extreme, even for me. Especially since my brother already has a house of his own since my father gifted him one when he first got married while I still don’t have one for myself. I promised my dad that my now-deceased husband and I wouldn’t buy one for ourselves since my dad wanted to give us the family home.

So, when I confronted my mother over this, she not only confirmed that it was true, but she told me that she thought it would be better for my brother to have the family home because it was bigger than the house that he had now. And that he and his wife 34F were going to have another child soon, so they need more room. She also argued that since I only had 1 daughter and no husband, I didn’t need such a big house.

But when I told her about what my dad promised me about the family home, she argued that if he really meant it, then he would have given it to me in the first place instead of just leaving it under her own name. And since she owns the house now, she was going to give it to my brother, no matter what. But she did try to provide me with solutions by telling me that I should ask my brother for his house if owning a house was the main issue, which obviously wasn’t going to work out.

And now, because of what feels like a massive betrayal, I feel like I should just cut my support for her, sign away my rights as her healthcare proxy, and never talk to her again. But I also feel conflicted if I did so because I’ll be betraying my dad’s death wish. Especially since I promised that I would take care of her after he died.

So, WIBTA for wanting to refuse to continue to support my mother because of what she wrote down in her will? EDIT: So, because of character limits, I wasn’t able to explain the whole family situation. I’m going to try to leave some comments behind to explain everything and how and why I’m not mad about the favoritism toward my brother in the majority of my mother’s will.

EDIT 2: Especially since, after my dad died, he left behind a favorable amount of money for me. About 702010, with 70 going to me, with me getting about 5.5 million for both personal uses and for medical care for my mother, 20 going to my brother so he gets 1.7 million to support his family, and 800K for my mother for her to use for her own personal care, and that I would use the money I received from my dad to care for her.

And yes, I know this is blatant favoritism from both sides, and yes, I know it wasn’t fair for our parents to play favorites. Which is why I’m not upset about my brother receiving the majority of my mother’s will in both finances and in having the rest of the family heirlooms.

The only thing that I’m just upset about is not getting the family home like I was promised by my father. Especially since that’s what my dad wished for me to have, only for my mother to trample all over that because she believes that my brother needs the home more than I do. So, I hope my comments and edits would leave behind more details to make this a more fair judgment.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a divided opinion on the situation, with many users acknowledging the unfair favoritism displayed by the parents, particularly the mother, towards the brother. While some commenters emphasize that the original poster (OP) is not obligated to continue caring for a parent who does not appreciate her, others point out that OP’s acceptance of an unequal inheritance complicates her moral standing. Overall, there is a consensus that OP should prioritize her own well-being and consider legal advice regarding her father’s wishes and the inheritance.

Verdict: ESH

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Inheritance Conflict

Inheritance disputes can be emotionally charged and complex, especially when they involve longstanding family dynamics. Here are some practical steps to help navigate this challenging situation while addressing both sides of the conflict:

For the Woman (40F)

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding your mother’s decisions. Acknowledge feelings of betrayal and hurt, but also consider the broader context of your relationship with her.
Communicate Openly: Arrange a calm and respectful conversation with your mother. Express your feelings about the inheritance and how it impacts your relationship. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel hurt because…”).
Seek Legal Advice: Consult with an attorney who specializes in estate planning or family law. They can provide clarity on your father’s wishes and the legality of your mother’s decisions regarding the will.
Consider Mediation: If direct communication proves difficult, consider involving a neutral third party, such as a family mediator, to facilitate discussions between you and your mother.
Evaluate Your Role: Reflect on your responsibilities as a healthcare proxy. If you feel unappreciated or undervalued, it may be worth considering whether you want to continue in this role.

For the Mother (85F)

Understand Your Daughter’s Perspective: Acknowledge the sacrifices your daughter has made in caring for you. Recognizing her feelings can help bridge the emotional gap between you.
Reassess Your Will: Consider discussing your intentions with a legal professional. It may be beneficial to revisit the will and ensure it reflects your wishes while also considering the emotional implications for your children.
Communicate Your Reasons: When discussing the will, clearly explain your reasoning behind your decisions. This can help your daughter understand your perspective, even if she disagrees.
Be Open to Compromise: Explore potential compromises that could honor both your wishes and your daughter’s feelings. This could include discussing how to share family heirlooms or considering a more equitable distribution of assets.
Prioritize Family Relationships: Remember that maintaining a healthy relationship with your daughter is important. Consider how your decisions may affect your relationship moving forward.

Moving Forward

Ultimately, both parties should prioritize open communication and empathy. Inheritance disputes can strain family relationships, but with patience and understanding, it is possible to find a resolution that honors both the deceased’s wishes and the living family’s emotional needs. Remember, seeking professional guidance can provide clarity and support during this difficult time.

Join the Discussion

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