WIBTA if I cancelled a trip to protect my kids’ mental health?

WIBTA if I cancelled a trip to protect my kids’ mental health?

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Mom Faces Tough Decision: Protecting Kids or Keeping Peace?

In a heart-wrenching dilemma, a mother grapples with whether to cancel a planned visit to her emotionally distant ex-husband, fearing the impact on her children’s mental health. With a history of abuse and a strained relationship, she worries that the upcoming family party could trigger trauma for her kids, especially her daughter who feels unsafe. As she weighs the consequences of her decision, the story highlights the complexities of co-parenting and the lengths a parent will go to protect their children. This relatable scenario resonates with many who have navigated difficult family dynamics and the challenge of prioritizing children’s well-being over social obligations.

Family Drama: Navigating a Difficult Visit

A mother is faced with a challenging decision regarding a planned visit for her children to see their father, who has a history of emotional and financial abuse. The situation is compounded by family dynamics and the mental health of her children. Here’s a breakdown of the circumstances:

• Background:
  • The mother has two children: a 9-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old son.
  • She separated from their father when the daughter was just 6 months old due to his abusive behavior.
  • After the separation, she moved 3,000 miles away to protect her children from further emotional trauma.
• Custody Arrangements:
  • The father did not contest the divorce and granted the mother sole legal and physical custody.
  • He pays child support, which is garnished from his wages to avoid losing his professional license.
• Current Situation:
  • Before the COVID-19 pandemic, the family moved back to the mother’s hometown, about a 10-12 hour drive from the father.
  • The children see their father 2-3 times a year, with limited communication in between.
  • The father has not maintained a consistent relationship with the children, often neglecting agreed-upon call schedules.
• Upcoming Visit:
  • The family is scheduled to visit the father for a significant family party, which is causing stress for everyone involved.
  • The father is overly concerned about the children’s appearance at the event, adding pressure to the situation.
  • The daughter feels unsafe with her father, while the son is struggling with his mental health and is worried about his sister’s well-being during the visit.
• Mother’s Dilemma:
  • The mother is contemplating canceling the trip to protect her children’s mental health.
  • She feels that the visit could lead to emotional distress for both children and herself.
  • She considers fabricating an illness to avoid the trip and reschedule for a time when the children can be better supported.

In an update, the mother decided to cancel the trip, citing a stomach bug. She reported that the father took the news better than expected. She is now in the process of canceling travel arrangements and plans to spend quality time with her children over the weekend.

This situation highlights the complexities of family drama, the importance of conflict resolution, and the need to prioritize mental health, especially in the context of wedding tension and family gatherings.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My kids are a 9-year-old girl and a 14-year-old boy. I separated from their dad when my daughter was 6 months old, and when she was 2, we moved 3,000 miles away. He is a narcissist who was emotionally and financially abusive to me and had been having a long-term affair for 5 years, plus who knows how many short-term flings.

I moved out of desperation to protect my kids, especially my son, from more emotional trauma. Surprisingly, he didn’t fight the divorce and gave me sole legal and physical custody; all he cared about was the money. He pays child support because his wages are garnished by the state, and he could risk losing his professional license.

Just before COVID, we moved again, back to my hometown, and now live about a 10-12 hour drive from him. We see him 2-3 times a year. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with the kids; he calls my daughter every 1-2 weeks, despite an agreement as recently as October to a twice-a-week call schedule.

We are supposed to travel out of state today for the kids to see him and his family. There is some big family party, which is adding a lot of stress to the visit—he’s so concerned about how his kids will look, specifically, what they will be wearing, in front of his family. My youngest doesn’t feel safe with him and nearly cried herself to sleep last night.

My oldest, while he can tolerate his dad, has really been struggling with his mental health over the last few months to the point of starting medication last week. Last night, my son expressed a lot of concerns about the visit as well. He’s concerned about his sister and how she will manage during the party, given that I’m not invited.

Their dad’s family is also intense and weird, in my son’s words, and are not generally emotionally safe people to be around, with a few exceptions. It feels like this weekend is going to be a shit show, could leave emotional scars on both my kids, not to mention my own mixed feelings about seeing my ex and his family. I really want to claim I came down with COVID and cancel the whole trip.

I’d reschedule it when we could go without the pressure and stress of this party so that the kids’ needs and emotions could be supported better. So, WIBTAH if I cancelled this trip to protect my kids and their mental health?

UPDATE: Thank you all for validating what I knew I needed to do. It’s done—cancelled. I said that I had a stomach bug, and he actually took it better than I expected.

Now I’m on hold with the airlines, trying to cancel tickets, car rental, hotel, etc. Then I’m going to make some plans to do something fun with the kids this weekend.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments reveal a strong consensus around NTA due to the importance of prioritizing children’s safety and mental health. Most users agree that the children’s well-being should come first, especially in light of their recent illness and the potential risks associated with attending the party, providing insight into the overall moral takeaway that parental responsibility is paramount.

1. Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Family Conflict

Family dynamics can be incredibly complex, especially when past trauma and emotional well-being are involved. Here are some practical steps for the mother to navigate this situation while prioritizing her children’s mental health and safety:

• Open Communication:
  • Have an honest conversation with both children about their feelings regarding the visit. Validate their emotions and concerns, ensuring they feel heard and understood.
  • Discuss the reasons for canceling the trip in an age-appropriate manner, emphasizing the importance of their mental health and safety.
• Establish Boundaries:
  • Set clear boundaries with the father regarding expectations for future visits. Communicate the children’s needs and the importance of a supportive environment.
  • Consider drafting a written agreement that outlines the conditions under which visits will occur, focusing on the children’s emotional well-being.
• Seek Professional Support:
  • Encourage the children to speak with a therapist or counselor, especially the son who is struggling with his mental health. Professional support can provide them with coping strategies and a safe space to express their feelings.
  • Consider family therapy sessions to address the impact of the father’s behavior on the children and to foster healthier communication patterns.
• Plan Positive Activities:
  • Instead of the visit, plan engaging and enjoyable activities for the weekend that can help strengthen the bond between the mother and her children. This could include outings, movie nights, or creative projects.
  • Use this time to create positive memories that reinforce a sense of safety and security within the family unit.
• Monitor Future Interactions:
  • Keep an eye on how the children respond to any future interactions with their father. Be prepared to adjust plans if they express discomfort or anxiety.
  • Regularly check in with the children about their feelings regarding their father and any upcoming visits, ensuring they feel empowered to voice their concerns.

Ultimately, the mother’s decision to prioritize her children’s mental health is commendable. By taking these steps, she can foster a supportive environment that encourages healing and resilience while navigating the complexities of family relationships.

Join the Discussion

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