WIBTA if I filed to remove my mother as my payee on my social security?

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Struggling for Independence: A Daughter’s Fight for Her Own Money

In a heart-wrenching tale of financial control and familial tension, a young woman grapples with her mother’s role as her payee for social security benefits. Despite her mother’s claims of responsibility, the daughter feels trapped, receiving only meager allowances while her rightful funds remain withheld. This story resonates with many who have faced similar struggles for autonomy and respect within family dynamics, especially in a society where financial independence is often equated with personal freedom.

Relatable Struggle: Many can empathize with the frustration of feeling powerless in financial matters, particularly when it involves family.
Thought-Provoking Dynamics: The story raises questions about trust, responsibility, and the complexities of caregiving.

Family Drama Over Social Security Payments

A 18-year-old woman is facing ongoing conflict with her mother regarding her Social Security payments. The situation has escalated into a significant family drama, particularly as the young woman prepares for her upcoming wedding. Here’s a breakdown of the key points:

Background: The young woman, who is autistic, has had her mother as her payee since she was 15 years old.
Financial Control: The mother has been withholding the majority of the Social Security funds, providing her daughter with only $20 to $40 occasionally.
Past Mistake: The mother frequently brings up a financial mistake made by the daughter at age 15, which has contributed to the ongoing tension.
Desire for Independence: The young woman is actively researching how to have her mother removed as her payee, seeking more control over her finances.
Attempts at Communication: Whenever the daughter tries to discuss her financial situation or request an allowance, the mother dismisses her concerns, leading to feelings of frustration and helplessness.
Wedding Tension: As the daughter prepares for her wedding, the financial control exerted by her mother adds to the stress of planning this significant life event.

The young woman is determined to address the issue again, hoping for a resolution that allows her to manage her own finances. She is seeking advice on how to approach the conversation with her mother, aiming for a constructive dialogue rather than further conflict.

In summary, this situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially when financial control is involved. The young woman’s quest for conflict resolution is crucial as she navigates her path toward independence and prepares for her future.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My 37f mother is my payee for my social security and has been since I was 15. I am autistic, but the problem is I have barely seen a cent out of it. She gives me, 18f, about 20-40 dollars to shut me up whenever I complain or try to have a conversation about it.

She doesn’t listen and constantly goes on about a mistake I made at 15, buying something I didn’t need with 200. However, I am more responsible now and have been working on researching how to get her removed from being my payee, as she is withholding my money. Whenever I ask for her to start me on an allowance, she disregards it and then acts like everything is fine.

I am sick and tired of basically begging for MY money. So, WIBTA?

Edit

I will be trying to have the conversation again, and thanks to all helping out and giving advice.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a general agreement that the mother is likely using the Social Security payments appropriately for the care of her child, who is still living at home. Many users emphasize that the funds are intended to cover essential living expenses such as food, shelter, and clothing, and suggest that the child may not fully understand the financial realities involved. There is also a consensus that while transparency about the finances would be beneficial, the mother is not necessarily withholding funds unfairly.

Overall Verdict

NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially regarding finances, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps for both the young woman and her mother to consider in order to foster understanding and resolution:

For the Young Woman

Prepare for the Conversation: Before approaching your mother, outline your thoughts and feelings. Write down specific examples of how the financial situation affects you, especially as you prepare for your wedding.
Choose the Right Time: Find a calm moment to discuss your concerns. Avoid times of high stress or conflict, and ensure that both of you have time to talk without interruptions.
Express Your Feelings: Use “I” statements to communicate how you feel. For example, “I feel anxious about my finances and would like to discuss how we can manage them together.” This approach can help prevent your mother from feeling defensive.
Seek Understanding: Ask your mother to explain how she manages the Social Security funds. Understanding her perspective may help you both find common ground.
Research Alternatives: Look into the process of changing payees for Social Security payments. Present this information to your mother as a way to discuss your desire for independence rather than as a confrontation.
Consider Professional Help: If discussions remain unproductive, suggest involving a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or financial advisor, to facilitate the conversation.

For the Mother

Listen Actively: When your daughter expresses her concerns, listen without interrupting. Acknowledge her feelings and validate her desire for independence.
Explain Financial Responsibilities: Share how the Social Security funds are being used for household expenses. Transparency can help your daughter understand the financial realities and the importance of budgeting.
Discuss Future Plans: Talk about your daughter’s upcoming wedding and how financial support can be structured to help her during this transition. This can show her that you care about her independence and happiness.
Encourage Financial Literacy: Help your daughter learn about budgeting and managing money. This can empower her and build her confidence in handling finances independently.
Be Open to Change: Consider the possibility of gradually transitioning financial control to your daughter. Discuss a plan that allows her to manage a portion of her funds while still ensuring her needs are met.

Conclusion

Resolving financial conflicts within families requires empathy, understanding, and open communication. By taking these steps, both the young woman and her mother can work towards a more harmonious relationship that respects the needs and desires of both parties.